I bought access to an online class about intuitive abstract painting two weeks ago. I've been wanting to explore this side of the art world, and I have been failing miserably. It is really frustrating me because I used to get into new areas of arts and crafts with some kind of result. I normally excel in this field, it's my expertise. I love arts and crafts and my love will at least resulted in some level of success.

I've been struggling so much trying to get into abstract art, this makes me question everything. I dream of becoming an established artist and making a living through selling my artworks, but am I capable of doing this? Why am I so bad at this, when I have good stuff to work with? Am I not understanding of basic principles like colors and shapes? Maybe this is not for me. Maybe I only have talent and eyes for putting ready-made things together but not creating art from scratch. Maybe I'm just not built for painting.

I went through my stack of 'failed' watermarbling and gelli prints, and yes they are not exactly the way I envisioned them at the beginning of the experiment, but these results still excite me. They look gorgeous as my journal background and they often give me ideas on how to further accentuate the page resulting in even more beautiful pages.

From all the abstract pieces that I've done, most just frustrates me because they look ugly and I am clueless on how to make them 'right'. I can't use them as anything, either. These are just exercise pieces I need to do in order to get better at intuitive painting. My intuition is dull, and I'm not sure if that can be fixed.

I spent the whole day yesterday trying to make something and when I wasn't satisfied with the piece, I got irritated. I blamed everything including fandom for not giving me anything to be excited or happy about. I kept saying to myself maybe I couldn't get it right because I'm using art as a way to kill time as a distraction while waiting for BTS' comeback.

I know, I know, artists spent years of their lives to perfect their techniques, so I shouldn't be whining for a few failed pieces. Maybe I need to be more humble, get off my high horse and take basic classes on colors and shapes. Maybe I need to loosen up, not think about how to perfect a technique all the time and try to have more fun. Maybe I just haven't find the right thing for me. I should explore more techniques, different mediums and variety of styles.

I really need to meditate or something. There has been so much anger in me this week.

First problem, 10th each month is my payday. That's not the problem. The problem is that my business trip allowance which was from freaking December last year, has not yet been transferred to me yet. WTF is this. My whole financial situation is bust because I was waiting for this money since 10th of January. When it wasn't there, I simply thought, oh, they must needed more time to process it or whatever so it must be next month, 10th of February. But NO. God I'm really pissed off now. I asked around to the people in head office, and accounting division said they never received my application which obviously means, no payment. GDI. There's this new person in the head office who didn't understand the flow, and she sent the application back to me instead of submitting it to accounting. Okay. I submitted it just yesterday which means I only will get paid sometime in the next two weeks. SO MUCH ANGER.

Second problem, the fiber optic internet + paytv service at home sucks major ass! Sucks as in, slow, lots of cut-offs, the paytv isn't even working for MONTHS now, THEY BLOCKED NETFLIX, and they raised the price! This is not making any sense. I called to the customer service but as usual they only apologized, giving me complaint number which does nothing at all, with no clear or immediate solution to my problems.

Third problem, I'm about to get a cold, lots of sneezes, my throat is sore and I had headache all day yesterday.

When I get stressed out about things, even if it's not about work, I often came up with the conclusion that I'm not happy here, that I need to move out and start a different life, instead of stuck with a job and place that I dislike.

For the past three weeks, my life has been a living hell. A friend of mine offered a translation job, which I accepted with great joy. I do freelance translation jobs all the time, and this particular friend has given me many opportunities in the past which I am very grateful for.

But turns out this project is TERRIBLE. The work is not only much more difficult than expected, but also very complicated. The agent that gave us this job is asking for progress EVERY.SINGLE.DAY like a debt collector and we only realized later how we are very much underpaid. The workload is simply too much and isn't worth the money. I have a full time job and I still have to work on this after my 9-5. I've been working round the clock with very little to no time to rest and do anything else. I'm so stressed. I told my friend that I'm dropping out because this is too crazy, and she begged me not to. And now I'm trapped in this awful project which is still continuing for a couple of weeks ahead.

This is crazy. The money isn't even that good, I hate this job.

I feel like I don't want to work. I'm tired.
I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be trapped in this stupid cubicle for 8 hours every fucking day. I'm sure every single person who had worked a desk job feels the same way for at least once in their cubicle life.

Or maybe I'm just tired. I'm sleep deprived. Maybe I'm just stressed out from this never ending translation project which turned out to be more difficult than I had expected. Maybe I got moody because of the negative emails I read when I just turned on my computer this morning. Possibly the fact that the nicest and most reliable person at Head Quarter who trained me just told me that she's quitting the company by the end of the month caught me off guard.

But maybe ... only because it's Friday and my work motivation on Fridays has always been lower than any other days.

Maybe I just need a vacation.

Or maybe, it is time to depart from here and start a new adventure.

I've been sneezing like crazy since a couple of weeks ago, I kept thinking that it's flu symptom and I'm about to be sick. But no. I've always known that I'm allergic to something in the air, and I've always thought it's dust/dust mites but again, for this case, no. My allergy always worsens during summer in Japan, and dry season here, when it's hot and the air is much more humid. But I can't be allergic to heat or humidity and today I realized the culprit is mold. God damn it.

My apartment room is so tiny and it has no window that connects me to the outside world/fresh air. There is one tiny window for ventilation, when I open it I can only see a wall and the air coming from there is not fresh either. I'm mostly out all day for work, the ac is off, the air doesn't flow for at least 9 hours every day, the air is hot and humid and it's the perfect recipe for MOLD. Fucking mold. I put lots of cheap, small, temporary dehumidifiers (I don't know what it's called in English), but they run out so fast and today I could smell MOLD. I need electric air humidifier but it's expensive. But I don't want to continue living like this so I guess I'll think about it :/

I just blew up and cursed out loud at the office. In front of everyone. That's something I've never done before and I myself was shocked with what happened. I'm taking the whole next week off, I really, really don't want to be bothered work related thoughts during my time off. I've finished EVERYTHING, even next week's portion to make sure I don't leave anything unfinished behind. I'm a responsible person! I'm a good employee! But just before I go home today, I got an email from head office about an application I've submitted since last week. I dislike the way they blamed me for the incomplete application when no one ever explained anything to me. Ever. I dislike Japanese work ethic that requires you to apologize and hang your head low when anyone points out your mistakes even though the whole system is at fault. I'm furious that this simple code application spiralled into something I never expected it to be, and I couldn't get my job done because of it. I was so angry!

I guess I have to be grateful that I was given the chance to feel what I felt. To learn and grow more. I'm still immature and emotional sometimes, and it seems like I was refusing to acknowledge my weakness the whole time. I tend to run away from things I don't understand because I don't want to look stupid and incapable. Maybe I was just tired. Maybe it was my pms.

I want to be a better person.

I need to control my anger. Seriously everything in this city pisses me off. Today me and Dhani headed to Nanny's Pavillon on the 2nd floor. It's a place we go to quite regularly, we love the food. However, today they messed up and somehow the system didn't record our orders. All the other customers who came after us already got their food while we continued waiting. It was already 12:45, just 15 minutes to the end of our lunch break when they asked us 'what was your order again?'. WTF!!! Ten minutes later we told them if they haven't cooked it yet, we'll leave because it's almost 1 o'clock and we have to get back to the office. The person told us to wait for 2 more minutes. In the end, Dhani got her food and I didn't get mine until 13:17, DEAD HUNGRY AND ANGRY RAAAHHH. I went to the counter and asked them to wrap my food because there's no time to eat. They apologized saying that it's a system error that our orders wasn't recorded. GAAAH I WAS SO ANGRY I HAD HEADACHE. And now I'm eating out of a styrofoam box in the pantry of my office. This was not what I imagined my lunch would be.

Aand ramble start!

I just experienced the worst ever online purchase. It was a pre-order for washi tapes. This is definitely a FAIL purchase. First of all, the customer service person is stupid. I need to explain several times about a very simple misunderstanding. She offered me lots of other tapes outside of my order, I chose 2 and when the package arrived, the 2 wasn't there. And 3 of the tapes weren't the ones I wanted. I protested, saying that I did not order these 3. She was rude. As a customer service you would know to talk (or type) more politely and to make your customers happy and satisfied with your store. She accused that I was wrong. I couldn't accept this accusation so I went to prove it and checked the site. Turns out I WAS wrong. I input the wrong codes for 1 of the tape and I couldn't find the other 2. I said okay, then just refund me the 2 that was not sent. SHE STILL WENT ON IT AND SAID THAT I WAS WRONG. She mentioned that all of the tapes I ordered are still on the site and I should check again. Lady, I already admitted that I was wrong and I'll wait for my refund, and you're still blaming me? WTF. I ordered stuff for more than 60 dollars and this is the type of customer service you have? This person is crazy. This purchase is a super fail. Even more reasons :

1. Stupid, impolite customer service
2. Inconsistent shape, size and length of the tapes
3. Many of them are in bad shape / cut / quality
4. For these garbage? The price is FUCKING EXPENSIVE

Seriously, I'd rather buy mts (it's a Japanese washi tape brand) which are super expensive here but after the pain going through this purchase, I'd rather go broke for buying more mts than sacrifice my sanity for these stupid shit. I will use them, still, and probably just toss the three that I didn't intend to order in the first place.

I was so angry, so aggravated about this person and purchase, I went online to purchase even MORE washi tapes FROM JAPAN this time. Japan tapes are awesome. The quality is consistent, they carefully package everything to make sure nothing is broken. They are honest people unlike many Chinese shops. I bought more washi tapes in the last 2 months than I purchase anything else.

I already have TONs of them. I don't know this customer service lady, nor she will ever know or meet me, ever. I don't understand why I felt like I need to prove to her that I'm someone to be reckoned with just because I am able to buy so much tapes. Because I'm more educated and articulate. This is stupid. Part of me was just trying to calm myself and justify my fail purchase with EVEN MORE purchase. Doesn't make any sense.

I'm supposed to be saving. In fact, I just made a goal chart for my saving for this year. It's only January and already, I broke my own promise not to shop excessively.

If any, the lesson here is not to order from there ever again.
We don't need to prove anything to anyone.

PS. The new tapes I'm ordering are super awesome though

My throat has been in pain since last week, I thought it'll eventually go away so I didn't do anything about it. Today I woke up in great pain so I took sick leave from the office and went to the hospital. I took a taxi and made a mistake of not telling the driver to take the short cut. I thought it won't make that much of a difference but again, I was wrong. The main road was crowded as hell!!

I finally made it to the hospital.
The doctor is very old I am concerned.

Me : does sinusitis also affects the throat?
Doc : yes, that is why I asked you earlier if you have any problems with the nose
Me : well when I was little I was diagnosed with sinusitis but
Doc : then we'll need an x-ray
Me : no, I did actually
Doc : when was that?
Me : recently, with Dr. Thamrin
Doc : *looks at medical records* oh this was last year, let's have it again, it'll only take a minute
Me : *screams inside* (No!! You just want my money!!)

God I hate hospitals.

The original plan was to go there very early in the morning on Sat, and then go back to Jakarta in the afternoon. So yesterday we left the house at about 7.30 (not as early as we planned), and when we got into Cikarang Highway Gate (about 1 hour from home), my dad opened the window to take the ticket but then the window won't go back up. We tried to fix it at a resting area nearby, but it was just hopeless. We decided that we can't continue the trip without a window on the driver's side so we went back to Jakarta. My dad took the car to a repair shop while me, my brother and my mom waited at home.

We finally left (again) at 1 pm, reached Bandung at about 4 pm. We visited our relatives, and then we planned to just have dinner together, drop my brother at his boarding house, then go back to Jakarta. But of course, that plan also, fell apart. Well, we managed to eat, but Bandung wasn't so friendly to Jakarta people then because apparently there was this huge incident happened before a soccer match between Persija (Jakarta soccer team) and Persib (Bandung soccer team) in Jakarta.

The fanatic fans of Persib (there were thousands of them, I presume) were sweeping the streets of Bandung, looking for cars or motorcycles with Jakarta plate number and vandalize them when they find any. I can't be sure how many cars were becoming victims to this, but monitoring everything from twitter, it was pretty scary. They hit the cars with sticks and stones, smashing the windows and detaching the back mirrors. Bandung was weird that night, there were almost no Jakarta cars while usually they flooded the streets of Bandung on weekends. Police were everywhere and we were told to make a u-turn before Simpang Lima Dago by a security person, they said the "Bobotohs" were in Dago and it is dangerous to pass the street. Yes our family car is very old and ugly, but we don't want to get it vandalized! Cars with Jakarta plate number were advised to hide for the night, or take off the plate number.

So ... we went back to our relative's house, asked them whether they have any spare or old Bandung plate number that we can use temporarily so we can go through the city safely. By the time my aunt finally found a pair of Bandung plate number, it was already so late in the night and she suggested that we should just rest at her house.

We weren't planning to spend the night in Bandung so we didn't have anything with us. The sleep wasn't good either, I just can't sleep well in a foreign bed. We finally left Bandung at about 8 in the morning and reached Jakarta at about 10. We saw a car with smashed windows and back mirror, we assumed it was one of the victims from last night. I was exhausted, and I still had a wedding to attend (T__________T) (and did I told you I HATE weddings?).

Anyway the trip didn't go as smooth as our plan, but it was good to have a quality family time with my family :)

I just scolded someone who seemed nice and was just doing her job. Now I'm feeling guilty (and still angry). There's this bank, called me on Tuesday and I immediately said, I don't have time and am not interested if they're about to offer me something I know in the end I will have to pay an amount of money. I HATE BANKS! I HATE INSURANCE COMPANY! I HATE CREDIT OFFERS OMG LEAVE ME ALONE.

Later on that day, they called me again twice, but I didn't realize it because I was in loud karaoke room with my friends. The next day, which was yesterday (and which was a holiday), they called again, and again, and again with total 5 missed and rejected calls.

And today, I've had it, officially! They called me two times on my lunch time, when I was having lunch with minister and counselor from the Embassy. And when I reached my office, they called again. I was getting so irritated and I immediately rejected the call. But of course, they called again. At this point I realized, that if I don't confront them, they won't stop calling me. Ever.

So I picked up. Angry.

"WHO IS THIS AND WHY ARE YOU KEEP CALLING ME, THIS IS SO ANNOYING!"
"Ah ... Is this Ms Natascha?"
"Yes and I know who you are, you're from the bank, right? I already told you that I'm not interested, stop calling me!"
"But ... we haven't explained about the program ..."
"I don't care about your program! I know the point of every program of any banks is I have to pay something, and I'm not interested!"

She managed to say her protocols and apologized about the calls. WELL SHE DAMN SHOULD. It's been a while since I felt so angry like this. And every time I do, it doesn't feel good. Especially when I accidentally (or purposely) leashed it out on someone

here

After dreading it for a while, I decided to post my inspired20in20 batch as it was, I didn't do any major changes since the last time I edit them. I'm not super satisfied and proud of them but hey, I finished the challenge and I managed to stick with the theme (and the commitment to finish it on time). Now I shall work on other projects.

Yesterday before I left the house my mom asked me to buy her a book, so while I was in the mall I visited a bookstore and .... I found this magazine.


It's EXO! I can't not buy this!?!? It has EXO-K on the front cover and EXO-M on the back (Luhan <3). I know it's a really cheap looking magazine with pics probably stolen from the internet but ... it's EXO, lol. Not for me though, I don't need magazines. I gave it to Mrs. Noor this morning for her daughter who loves Baekhyun so much. I hope she likes it :3

( On a not really happy note )

Last weekend I did my nails and it's black with glitter tips. These nail polishes aren't new, I bought it years ago when I was obsessed with Tommy. I haven't used them again for a while, and I have to say I'm quite happy with the result on my left hand fingers! The ones on my right hand are so messy hahah, I need to practice applying nail polish using my left hand :p


Anyway, I am all alone all this week at the office as my boss and my colleagues are on their business trips to Hong Kong and Tokyo. Monday was a disaster because the internet went down all day long. I used my phone to browse and open tumblr and such, but I still prefer my traditional internet with a computer or a laptop.

( stories and thoughts on my last couple of days )

Yesterday I was messaging my ex-co-worker Mr. N who lives nearby and still works at the Embassy which is right behind the building I'm working in. When I was still in the embassy, we used to work with just the two of us in the team, so we are pretty close. I like him and feel comfortable talking to him about anything. He's about to go back to Japan, and this month will be his last month here. I messaged him asking if he has any free time before he goes back to Japan so we can hang out for his farewell party. So we went for some drinks (well he drinks, ... I drink water) and cheap, local sushi at Urban Kitchen yesterday. It's always a fun time chatting with him, we laugh a lot, we discuss work stuff too, and he always have good insights for me on how to be a better employee in my company and how to do good business. When I get bored I used to text him just to annoy him and ask him to go out for an ice cream on his busiest day, lol. I'm going to miss him :/

He gave me this book he bought in Japan last month, he said he remembered that I mentioned to him I had difficulties answering phone calls in formal Japanese. It's a super cute book with cute illustrations and simple explanations that is really easy to understand. Thank you, Mr. N! I'm going to really miss you :( I don't think I have a lot of close Japanese friends, and you are definitely one of them.

After dreading it forever, last night I decided to go to a friend's wedding at Puri Ardhya Garini. Except, that I wouldn't call him a friend, I barely even know him! Yes, he went to the same elementary/middle school as me but we were never close. We were never even in the same class, and I don't even have ONE memory of us talking, ever. One thing that ties me to him was that he was close to my cousin back then (and everyone in our school knows that he is my cousin). As I remember, this guy and my cousin, they looked like each other and they were always together. I don't even remember what he was called. God. This is such torture. My mom insisted me to come and mingle and I decided that I will just for the sake of it. I don't want to be told 100 times how I antisocial of a person I am by my mom for the next 2 weeks. Also, I missed a friend's wedding a month ago which was held at the same venue, the I'm still feeling so guilty about. I thought coming to this one will somehow make up for it (I'm fully aware how this doesn't make any sense).

Anyway, I HATE WEDDINGS. It's always a torture to attend one except for those of the people I'm really close to, with the crowd I'm comfortable to be with. This crowd, isn't one of them.

( whine whine whine )

My social anxiety is at its worst when it comes to times like this. Sigh. And nobody understands that either.

is something I really couldn't imagine. I mean like 1, 2 hours, I could handle, but all 8 hours at work, without internet?

Last Thursday I came to the office to find an email from my boss saying that starting from that day, the internet won't be able to be used for purposes other than sending official emails and accessing company network system. I was really, really upset. I mean, it's 2013, how would you work without internet, how would you FUNCTION without internet? They gave us 3 hours to list all the URLs we need to get our job done, complete with the reasons. And even if we give legitimate reasons, they still deny our requests anyway!! SUCKS. I managed to survive Friday without internet, but I felt really uneasy bordering on crazy all day. I know I have an unhealthy internet addiction, but this is really ridiculous. My boss wouldn't even give me the permission to bring my own laptop and portable modem to the office because he knows that would be against the rules. Until this morning, I was so upset about this. But now I'm just sad :(

I don't own a smartphone or a tablet ... I guess this is the right time to get them, but I was saving for a new computer :(

Saw this on tumblr this morning, and while it's awesome and pretty and art-y, my mind went straight to : EXO. Damn.

I have resisted not to fall for EXO (or other K-Pop boy bands, for that matter), but it was so hard! Ever since I was frequently reminded of how cute Chanyeol is by my tumblr dashboard, I got easily obsessed with EXO and I wanted to know more and more about them. I'm fully aware that I'm too old to stan EXO but whatever, they are so precious, gaaah!!

( more on Japan, thoughts, et cetera )

Another new icon! *points at icon*

I just have to have a gif icon of my obsession and I saw these gifs on tumblr in which Eunhyuk was saying "Yeaaah!!" when asked to say a phrase started with the letter Y. (Immediately followed by Yesung's slap on his head, lol). He's very smily and cheerful and cute in that gif so I looked for the video and made this icon! Overall, I'm quite satisfied with the result :)

The wallpaper-ish background color matches Eunhyuk's face color scheme perfectly, I didn't have to edit anything and it was already under 40 KB :)

On other news!!! I GOT A NEW JOB! And it seems very promising in terms of compensation and work environment so I am very very excited to start. It doesn't start until November though. And until then!! I have to suffer through this endless amount of work in my current office.

I might be going to SMTown Live World Tour next week!

Thank you Yung!! He got us tickets when I told him I'm hesitating to go because of the tickets and the position. First I told him to go with me, and now he's getting us tickets. Now I don't have to worry anymore! I promised myself not to mix fandom and RL, but this time I'm really grateful that I did (;___;).

Now I have a friend to go to the concert, a possible free transportation from home and back *prays*, and an expensive ticket I don't have to pay for. It is the right choice *nods*.

Suju, here I come! I will do more research on the event, learn the setlist, memorize the unpronounceable lyrics, borrow a binocular, and get myself ready for it! Oppa, oppa!

I was too busy avoiding any possible real life fellow fans that I didn't have the slightest idea about the upcoming SMTown Live!! WTF, they'd be here by next week! Insane! I don't know what to think, I really want to go but the tickets are fucking expensive and I don't need to see anyone else, I just want to see SuJu.


The ticket is $50 for the furthest tribune seat, $80 for the second tribune seat, and $110 for the front tribune. I don't want to pay more than $100 for this, are you crazy?? (actually I might ... I would). Festival is $140 and VIP is $250 ... WHO HAS THAT KIND OF MONEY TO SPEND FOR KPOP ARTISTS?? ... apparently there are a lot.

I'm dragging Yung to this and he agreed to go with me but ... I'm still not sure what to think. If we buy tribune 3 seats, it's expensive, and we can't see a thing. The performing artists would appear in the size of my pinky, OR EVEN SMALLER. I would borrow a binocular from a friend, but yeah, I'm still not sure. $80 is already TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE but then again I would pay for this if it is guaranteed that I can see better? Gaaah I don't know what to do, what to think (@_____@)