I've been doing so much better since. I spent my last night alone at the apartment listening to Alanis Morissette while reading that book I bought. Something struck me during the day that made me look for Alanis Morissette. I had her album Jagged Little Pill when I was in middle school and the whole album is engraved in my mind. But now as I have better understanding of English, I just realized how beautiful the lyrics are.

The part 'you cry, you learn' and 'you grieve, you learn' from the song You Learn (duh) soothed me.

Another thing that soothed me is this one quote in the Brave Enough that says,

Grief is tremendous, but love is bigger. You are grieving because you loved truly. The beauty in that is greater than the bitterness of death. Allowing this into you consciousness will not keep you from suffering, but it will help you survive the next day. - Sheryl Strayed

I went home for the holidays and being surrounded by my family is the best thing for me right now. I was watching movies with my brother, talked K-Pop with my sister, discussed about the house with my parents, just spending a lot of family quality time. I also have been... sleeping a lot.

I was watching BTS' Wings Tour Blu-Ray that I bought a while ago in the living room when my dad came in. Obviously, he doesn't care enough to differentiate any groups, but he knows that I like K-Pop so he asked,

"Who died? The one in the news."

I know that even though it was big on the news (both local and international) and it had affected me greatly, this news means nothing more than another celebrity death even to my closest people in real life. I didn't want to talk about it but I had to answer so I said,

"He's from a group called SHINee, not this one (I'm watching). But I saw them live once."

"What happened to him"

"He was depressed"

"How did he die?"

"By suicide"

"Oh"

That was not the type of conversation I wanted to have, nor I want my family to know that I spent 4 days crying at work and in my room because of his death. I have accepted the fact that many people wouldn't understand the pain I was going through or why I was hurting so much for someone I don't even know. I have accepted how the world works. However, I guess it's a good thing that I could carry a conversation and am no longer triggered badly by this. I still tear up here and there, but I'm alright now.

Being trapped without internet makes me SO ANGRY. I knew something was wrong because yesterday morning as I woke up because there was no update on my phone which is impossible. It doesn't take me long to realize that the internet was gone AGAIN. I went to work and completely forgot about it. I went home 5.30PM yesterday thinking, I would go home, watch BTS Seoul MV, watch BAP new MV, download Stray Kids episode 9 before I meet my friend Ade.

I went home and faced with an internet JAIL. The building I live in has thick walls, there's no phone signal once you get in. So without wi-fi, you can not be connected to the outside world at all. It's practically a jail. I killed my time watching a movie I found on my hard drive which I have ZERO interest in, then left to meet Ade. I went home at 10PM and of course the internet was still down. BTS had a HUGE fan meeting and other Japanese promotion activities, I'm so frustrated that I don't have internet and couldn't see/watch anything. I was so excited about BAP's comeback, too.

I woke up today ANGRY. I've been without internet for TOO LONG now and it's still not working. My eyes hurt. My air con is still leaking. Even though I managed to wake up earlier and had breakfast, had time to clean up and wash the dishes etc, I came to the office realizing that I had forgotten my tote bag (with a banana in it) and my desk key and I'm now even more angry. I always have my morning chocolate drink and it's in my fucking locked desk drawer. I wanted to go home to take it but I was busy catching up with all the things I missed yesterday WITHOUT ANY SOUND. This is so not rewarding.

I'M STILL SO ANGRY I WANT MURDER.

Flashback to when my moving boxes were stacked in front of my parents' house. My mom said everyone was curious since there are so many of them.



aunt : Wow, so many boxes
mom : They're my daughter's moving boxes
aunt : I wonder what's in them?
mom : knowing my daughter, they're probably just markers and pencils...

Well... she's not wrong.

I'm sick right now and I really hate it. With the unpredictable + extreme weather, it's common for people to get sick, but I should've known better! I should have been stronger. I thought I was doing well. Two people at my workplace caught the flu last week, I thought I was strong enough because I've been working out, sleeping and eating relatively well. But no, I woke up Saturday morning with a sore throat and the last two days have been HELL. Being sick sucks, even if it's just a cold. And I'm too lazy to drag my ass to the doctor for this. I hope this doesn't last long.

I'm back from my last trip to where I lived the past month. Finally finished moving everything by my own bare hands.

Anyway, I asked the owner to help me plug an LED lamp that I brought from home because I needed my room to be brighter that how it was. It's a high-ceiling room so I couldn't possibly plug it by myself. Now that I'm moving out, I want that lamp back so I asked the lady who works there. She said "there's no male worker right now, it's impossible for us girls to unplug it". I went back to my new place thinking I might just forget about the lamp. But then I researched how much that lamp costs, and it's not a cheap Rp. 20K lamp, it's a proper LED lamp with a market price of Rp. 80K - 100K. Mostly I felt bad for my dad because I took that lamp from his lamp stash, he'd want me to continue using it.

So I went back to that place while wondering if there is any way I could unplug the lamp by myself. I don't mind taking a ladder up to do it, but I'm not sure if I have enough stamina and strength to bring a ladder four long flight of stairs up (and later on back down). I thought I saw an aluminum ladder near the reception before, I tried to take a peek as I passed by. I reached my room and ponder more. Nobody can tell me I can't do it. Once I managed to take the documents that I forgot on my desk at school from inside a locked classroom, by stealing the key from a locked management room using MacGyver techniques.

I thought, if I move the table a bit, the cupboard a bit, then I can climb them and reach the lamp! I thought that's an idea worth exploring so I turned on bathroom lamp to get light, and turned the main lamp off. As I was doing that, there was a knock on the door. It was the lady explaining that she'd try to get someone unplug the lamp, but it's not going to be tonight. She also persuaded me to stay and showed me another room for the last time before I left forever lol.

During our trip to Bandung :
Me & My Sister : *talks about K-Pop for 4 hours straight*
Mom & Dad : ...

During our family gathering in Bandung :
Mom : "Hey come here, your cousin loves Korea too, you should talk to her"
Me : *makes face that say "What are you talking about, I don't like Korea"
(while having knowledge of Korean Language, Korean TV shows and the current K-Pop scene)

During our trip home from Bandung :
Me & My Sister : *talks about K-Pop the whole journey home*

After the horrible mood I was in all day yesterday, I left work and found how the comfort of being home calmed me down a lot. I was home early, I was safe, I could break my fast in peace, I could watch videos that make me happy, I could drink my favorite ice cocoa after breakfast, I have clean water, electricity, working internet connection, a comfy bed, I just couldn't ask for more. Suddenly the idea of not going to the concert doesn't sound so bad at all. I went home right after the clock hits 5.30 so it was super early. I had enough time to cook rice, make my drink, watch videos, wrote 5 postcrossing cards, and I also went to the convenience store across the street to get milk and bulk garbage tickets. And I finished most of my presentation script, too. I felt accomplished. I felt content.

I woke up in a bad mood and it has continued throughout the day. I'm trying to analyze what is wrong, but there are too many factors that contribute to me ended up feeling like this, I think.
First, I am sick. I've been having sore throat and lingering cough for weeks. I don't have the time and or energy to arrange a doctor's visit at the moment and thought it would just go away, but it doesn't.
Second, I was forced to attend yet another company drinking party that I always dread to participate in. This time it's a farewell party for me and several other people who are leaving the division so I could not not come (I tried persuading the organizer to just go on without me. I failed. - They even arrange the schedule around me and Ramadan break fast time.). Honestly the cigarette smoke just worsen my already sore throat.
Third, I got heartburn last night from not eating properly because of the drinking party.
Fourth, lack of sleep because of the heartburn. This is really just a circle of doom.

And fifth, the last reason is because I'm fighting myself hard denying how bad I want to be at BTS' Saitama show right now. I know, I have so many reason not to go;
1. It's workday and I'm working until 17:30.
2. It's Ramadan and I'm fasting. Breakfast is not until 19:00, the show is on at 19:00. How do I break my fast in the middle of a concert crowd?
3. I got home late last night and I have a class to prepare tomorrow, I can't afford to go home late again today.
4. I have neither the fan club membership or the ticket to any of the concerts, and I really don't want to deal with security for purchasing a resale ticket with the way that I look. With non-FC tickets, seats would be so far I'm not sure it would be worth it.
5. I'm just too old for this.
6. The concert is dubbed ~Japan Edition~ and every goddamn song is going to be in the horribly Japanese translated version.
7. Money. I remember spending hundreds of dollars for concerts before and I ended up not having a single memory about it except how horrible it was. I wonder when I move on from this obsession I would feel the same thing about this concert, had I gone.

Still, I wonder if I'm going to regret deciding not to go while I was here.

This morning when I woke up I wasn't feeling well. I knew something was wrong, but it wasn't that bad so I thought I was just being whiny because I was sleepy. I thought I still could make it to the office just fine. I went to the station and got on the train. The train was not even that crowded, but that feeling was getting worse, I felt like I was about to get a panic attack, accompanied by a hint of nausea. By the time the train left the 3rd station after mine, it got even worse. My hands were cold, I could feel cold sweat all over my body. I was trying to convince myself that I was going to be okay when I started to see black spots and my vision started to go dark. Wow, I'm going to faint, I thought. All I could think of was that I have to get off at the next station and I wished for the train to arrive there soon. The announcement voice was fading on me but I could feel the train stopping and the doors opening. At that point my vision was almost completely black, I couldn't see anything but I knew I had to get off so I walked with one hand covering my face and one hand stretched to the direction I was walking to like a crazy person. When I thought about it again, I was lucky that I didn't get either of my foot stuck in between the train and the platform, that would be a disaster. Eventually my hand touched a big pillar on the platform and I've never been so grateful about its existence in my life. I stood against the pillar for a couple of seconds waiting to gain strength and for my vision to come back. It came back little by little, and as I saw an empty spot on the platform bench I immediately dragged my body to sit there. I felt cold still, but at least I regained my strength and vision, and I was not about to faint anymore. I was looking around searching for signs of any station staff or an emergency intercom machine just in case, while pondering whether I should go back home, go to the station office to lay down a little bit, or just continue my journey to the office. This reminded me of Tokyo Metro's posters advising passengers who does not feel well to reach for their staff immediately. When I was sure I could stand up straight again I head to a nearby vending machine and got myself a bottle of water. The machine didn't have Ion drink which I thought would help my body be stronger temporarily, but at least I got water. I decided I should lay down a bit so I went up the escalator to find Metro staff, but I saw the railway map on my way up, counted that I only need to endure 5 more stops to reach my workplace and went back to the platform. If this was any other day, I wouldn't think twice to send an email to my superior and excuse myself from work for the day. But there's this thing due on Monday, I promised to go to lunch with the nice ladies at work, plus I had a meeting with HR scheduled at 2 PM. The meeting will determine my fate and the procedure of going back to Indonesia, and as an OCD planner that I am, I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW. The train came. I stood in the crowd near the door, kept my head down, controlled my breathing while repeating positive thoughts in my mind.

I made it to the office although with very little to no motivation to work all day. All I could think of is : I want to take a nap!!! I figured it's that time of the month again : my PMS. It's as they say, it really has gotten so much more awful in your 30s. It has been happening for a while so I anticipated it to come each month. But since it passed my estimated date, I simply thought 'oh, maybe this month it's not going to be as horrible as before'. Man, I was wrong.

It also shows different symptoms each time? Sometimes the joint pain is so unbearable I can't even get myself out of bed, sometimes the headache is worse, but it was never a blackout. This was the first time. But each time there's always cold sweat accompanied by panic attack for knowing something is really wrong. If I'm lucky it happens on weekends so I can just rest, or at least very early in the morning on a weekday so I have enough time to contact the office for a day off. It's the second time I had to get off the train because of these PMS related symptoms/attacks.

On Friday we had a dinner party with members of my division which I've always been reluctant about. I'm too awkward for these social events among Japanese, I don't drink, I have a strict diet, I'm not funny, I never know what to say and I never got all the jokes. The first hour was bearable, I enjoyed watching them having fun. But after 1.5 hours... and then past 2 hours time, I grew restless, I kept rubbing the skin on my arm while praying that someone will finally wrap the party up SO I CAN GO HOME. I miss my boys. I kept thinking about BTS the whole time. I went home with one other lady from the division, and unfortunately we were going the same direction. When she got off the train first, I rushed to find my MP3 player to listen to BTS like an addict on withdrawal.

On Saturday I had plans with my friend Christine who is visiting Japan with her family. She said she'll be done taking her family to imperial palace at around 9, so hopefully we could meet at around 10. The place we wanted to visit isn't far from my place, and I wanted to learn it beforehand so I will have some rough image about where we're going and what to do there. So I got out of my house at around 9 (I don't remember exactly), and wander around the area following google map's direction while taking pictures of flowers in front of people's houses like a creepy, suspicious person that I am. I decided to just walk to Nippori Station where we should be meeting even though there's quite a distance from my house (probably around 30 minutes walk). But the weather was nice, the air was clear, and it's nice to bask in sunshine every once in a while (yes, I applied my sun screen). I walked around, saw so many beautiful plants and flowers, and the place was actually quite nice. It was calm, peaceful, surrounded by nature with some people taking their cute dog(s) for a walk. The place was not swarmed by tourists unlike the most popular spots in town.

However, after walking for a while, I still haven't gotten any messages from Christine and it's already past 11. I grew impatient and felt a bit tired after walking, too. Turns out her family was leaving the hotel much later than she estimated. We met at 12, we ate at a restaurant near the station and had a great talk catching up with everything. We started walking from the cemetery and right from the get go Christine LOVED the place. It really was nice. There are some visitors and tourists, but it's not jam-packed like most popular tourist attractions. It's not a garden per se, but the amount and many types of flowers they have were amazing. We took photos of the flowers and scenery and Christine couldn't stop gushing about how cute the place is.

We stopped at an old Japanese traditional house re-functioned as a cafe and spent quite some time there drinking coffee and creme brule. We visited another old house (said to be 120 years old!) re-purposed as an exhibition space. We saw a shooting star while walking around! We went to Nezu shrine. Initially I wanted to see the Azalea festival, but it was starting to get darker when we got there and only a small portion of the Azaleas were blooming so we only looked at it from afar and decided not to get in. While walking back to the station, we found Yanaka Ginza, it was nice but again, it was getting dark and some of the stores were closing. But the scene was beautiful. We took pictures of the Yuyake-dandan steps with sunset sky in the background. After that, we went to Shinjuku because Christine wanted to visit Tokyu Hands in Takashimaya. To be honest I was dead tired then from being outside all day, but I decided to accompany her anyway. We separated as she got on a taxi heading to her hotel.

On Sunday, I decided to get my life together like a normal, responsible, functioning adult so I stayed at home. I washed 2 loads of laundry and folded everything that has been on my apartment floor for weeks. I felt like I did pretty good. Oh also, one other significant thing I decided to do was to stay away from Bangtan. I knew I will get too hyped and crazy when I start doing anything involving them so I stayed away from even listening to their songs (although they're playing in my head). I was afraid that I'm going to waste away my weekend again doing nothing and continue living half life dwelling in this filthy, messy place. I had Netflix on all day, playing something I knew wouldn't take up too much of my attention because I needed to do CHORES. It was a thriller tv series called Slasher. It was nothing brilliant or original, but watchable (small town, murders connected to 7 deadly sins, etc). The point of all thriller movies/series is the reveal of who the murderer actually is, which will always be the big ending, so the middle part was just unimportant fillers intended to make us question every single character on the show. In the end I managed to clean my room, wash laundry & dishes, and also finally wrote/decorate some of the postcards for postcrossing I've put off for more than a week (I lost a little bit of my postcrossing passion because of my brand new Bangtan obsession).

I tried to sleep early but had difficulties falling asleep (again) so I popped a sleeping pill for the first time. I've had sleeping problems for a while (not that severe, but I often have trouble falling asleep ended up sleep deprived and feeling miserable the next day), but I was really paranoid about taking sleeping pills. When I was in Jakarta, after many sleep deprived days, I went to the drug store to buy them. I talked to the drug store shop keeper, I mentioned I've never taken a sleeping pill before, I asked her which one should I take. I went with her recommendation which she said is herbal so it's not supposed to be that strong. I took one pill at 8 PM that night and it completely knocked me out. I woke up the next day struggling to even stand up, like I was paralyzed! I was trying to get ready for work, but my body wouldn't cooperate so I text my boss saying I'm taking the day off. I slept through the whole day and woke up again in the afternoon. I gathered all the strengths that I had to get out of the apartment and get food. Even at 6 PM (after sleeping for 22 hours) the effect was still quite strong and it was still really, really hard for me to walk. I was traumatized! I told my mom, my sister and my friends about the horrifying experience and they all told me not to take that pill ever again (duh). Ever since, no matter how difficult it was for me to fall asleep, I've never taken a single pill. Until a couple of months ago when I told a nurse at my office health clinic that I've had trouble sleeping for a while now, but am afraid of sleeping pills because of my experience with one. She told me there are types of sleeping pills with small dosage designed to help you sleep, but won't make your body feels heavy the next day. I went to a doctor describing that drug to get it prescribed. I've had them in my possession for months now, but I kept hesitating to take them even when I've been tossing and turning in my bed for hours, still afraid of the effect. Anyway, finally last night I took one. I prepared myself mentally for a worst case scenario, that I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning and had to take another rest day. But today I woke up earlier than usual even with less than the ideal 8 hours sleep, feeling fresh and awake. The sun was shining, I had time to prepare for my lunch box and coffee, and I wasn't late to work. I guess it worked great!

I haven't blogged a lot so I'l try to write a summary of all the things that happened in the last year and a half. Last time I blogged that I was really stressed out and unsatisfied with the way I live my life and I wanted change. I wanted to go to a different country and experience new things. I actually went to Singapore in October 2015, and I did an interview with a headhunter agency to see my chances of finding a job there. I went back home, I told my boss that I want to leave. I said that this was my fourth year in the company, the job has became too monotonous for me, I was sick of Jakarta and I wanted to leave the country. My boss acknowledged my wish, we had dinner together that night and had good conversation about life, work, jobs, etc. At that time, I haven't been doing real interviews or guaranteed to be working anywhere else so I basically gambled everything to take a leap of faith I've been uncertain of taking. I was just crossing my finger and hoped that I will eventually find a good job and a chance to experience new, fun, different life. I plotted everything in my mind. I was even looking for my own replacement so that I could resign peacefully. But something happened. It turns out that the people in HQ didn't really want to let me go? So my boss called me again, and said that if this is not about the company, there might be chances in the future that I could be placed in offices other than this one. There might be a Singapore branch sometime in the future, and there's a good chance that I could be sent for a training program at Tokyo HQ. So he asked me if I would stay with those conditions in mind. I hesitated, but I said yes. And there I was stuck again in the same cubicle, doing the same thing with a slight hope that I could at least temporarily be out of this toxic environment someday.

In December 2015 HQ called me in. It was a meaningless business trip designed to make me happy. I work administration job, there was no urgency whatsoever that requires me to travel to HQ. My own boss wasn't really happy and or supportive about my trip, he knew it wasn't necessary. In HQ, I met my former boss, the head of the division etc, obviously I didn't do much meaningful work but it was a nice trip. I was also promised (kinda) that I would be the next person they'll invite for a 1 year training program in HQ by next year. And so I waited for another 6 months.

I moved to Japan at the end of June last year for the training program. The offer was a no-brainer, I'd be given a place to live, allowances for living abroad, I get to live in Tokyo again and experience working in Japan. Even if I wouldn't dedicate my life to this company, I'd be out with the experience of working in Japan, which I think would make a huge difference. Japanese working conditions stresses me out a little bit, but overall it was okay. I knew the consequences of living alone in Japan, a little lonely, but it was a fresh, peaceful, and safe life. I think one of the things that caught me off guard was the amount of time and effort needed to do my own chores. I didn't have as much free time as I thought I would because of it. I've lived my life without doing chores for more than 3 years living in a serviced apartment back home. But I'm still grateful for the experience. And now, April 2017, I have only 2.5 months left here. I miss my family, my serviced apartment life and Indonesian food, but I must mentally prepare myself for everything that I didn't like about the country.

Feb 19th (Chinese New Year) was a national holiday here, and I took a day off on the 20th so that I could get a long(er) holiday/weekend. I went home in the morning on the 19th and that day I immediately did some re-organization of me and my brother's room because I've been feeling so inspired to clean after marathoning Compulsive Obsessive Cleaners on YouTube. I didn't clean EVERYTHING, but I managed to get rid of the clothes rack hanger that has been bothering me for a while. My mom insisted for us to have one in our room. It stood right in front of the window, the room lack of fresh air and sunlight because I couldn't open it. After some re-organization the room feels fresh and more spacious! I only need to buy some box-shaped shelf to help organize the stash of things left in corners of the room. I also managed to finish some of my swap-bot swaps that almost due.

( Feb 20-22 log )

And today, the 23rd, I'm still feeling soooo tired! It was really really hard fighting the urge to just take a half day off to sleep more this morning. I'm proud with so many things that I achieved during the long holiday, but I really wish I had more time.

I haven't been feeling good emotionally for the past... month, I don't even know why. I think it's a mix of a lot of things, financial problems, health problems, work problems, and maybe even fandom problems, just everything. Many things stresses me out on daily basis, with not enough happy things to make up for it.

My boss has been super annoying the past weeks. He is stressed out and sometimes he leashed that on us and gets really pissy about everything. Having your boss getting pissy about any and everything everyday is so not the ideal work environment. A couple of days, I can handle, but he has been like this for a long while. I feel like he no longer care now that I've worked here for almost two years. He used to be more caring, attentive, giving clear instructions and now he scolds me for every little thing I do. Every time I enter his room for anything, I get yelled at. I want to quit.

I did some art since yesterday, and found no joy in it. The more I make things in this room I share with my brother, the more I hate my life. I can't live like this anymore. I need my own room. I will build my own room. But that isn't likely to happen if every month I have to bear everyone in this family's expenses. I feel hopeless. I feel like I need to focus more on important things, have a clear goal and reach it. I feel like with the 24 hours that I have everyday, I'm not using every second effectively. I feel like I can do more, achieve more.

I deactivated my facebook for months since May I think... but I activated it again recently. Because sadly we just can not escape facebook. My sister and I are trying to start our postcard line and our target market are mostly on facebook. I made a facebook page for it and I had to keep my facebook active to maintain it. Today I ventured back to facebook. A totally not wise decision with the low mood that I'm already having right now. I haven't been on facebook for a while, and what I saw... made me question life. So many people around me are moving abroad, getting married, getting married with foreign person abroad, writing that living in Jakarta will only waste your time, protesting government policy, posting photos of their children 'the love of their life'... and here I am wondering, what is it that I want from life? Am I going to spend the rest of my time on the earth living half life working a job I hate, living in this horrible city? Do I want to move, take a leap of faith, leave everything that I have here and make a big decision that I don't where it'll take me?

Sometimes, I feel like I always make excuses, I don't have enough time, I don't have enough money, I don't have enough talent, I don't have a room to myself bla bla bla... But in reality is, I can escape this situation if I really wanted to.

I want to change, I want change, I want something different and new in life.

Also, I really want facebook to be irrelevant soon.

Which is highly unlikely. Especially here.

My throat has been in pain since last week, I thought it'll eventually go away so I didn't do anything about it. Today I woke up in great pain so I took sick leave from the office and went to the hospital. I took a taxi and made a mistake of not telling the driver to take the short cut. I thought it won't make that much of a difference but again, I was wrong. The main road was crowded as hell!!

I finally made it to the hospital.
The doctor is very old I am concerned.

Me : does sinusitis also affects the throat?
Doc : yes, that is why I asked you earlier if you have any problems with the nose
Me : well when I was little I was diagnosed with sinusitis but
Doc : then we'll need an x-ray
Me : no, I did actually
Doc : when was that?
Me : recently, with Dr. Thamrin
Doc : *looks at medical records* oh this was last year, let's have it again, it'll only take a minute
Me : *screams inside* (No!! You just want my money!!)

God I hate hospitals.

Y'know, I don't drink, but I suppose what I'm experiencing today or every too often is to some degree, similar to a hungover. And I've experienced this a lot.

On weekends I was excited to start my handmade projects, TOO excited to the point I had no life outside of my project and my room looked like a fucking mess. In the middle of it I got my allergy triggered and I couldn't stop sneezing. But I moved on, because I was still high on dopamine, and I was ambitious to finish my projects even though I fully aware, that was too many projects to finish in such limited time, and that it would be much better for me to clean up my room and rest.

In the night, I was rushing to finish everything, WHILE cleaning up the mess the best I could, WHILE sneezing like crazy. By the time I was ready to sleep, I couldn't. I couldn't stop sneezing and I couldn't breathe. I feel like dying.

When finally I could sleep, I already had to wake up again at 4 for Ramadan supper. And after, I had to travel to my apartment. I arrived before 6, and I was dying to have the chance to sleep more. So I did. But it was short. Too short. When I woke up I was already late for work and felt like crap. I fought the urge to go back to bed and ask for a half day off to my boss, or to tell him that I was sick (because I was), but finally I went to the office anyway, late, sleepy, cranky and sick. And when I got to the office, I told myself 'that wasn't worth it, never again'.

Probably I'm just cranky because I don't have enough sleep. I slept for about 2 hours before Ramadan supper last night. After supper my dad dropped me off at my apartment and I tried to finish some cards for swap with the limited time I had left at the apartment before I had to go to work. I slept for about 15 minutes after, but that definitely was not enough. Hence, I've been cranky since morning. I probably should just shut up.

I do this all the time. My earliest memory of talking to myself was when I was in kindergarten, the awakening 'Helen Keller' moment when I realized that I was a being with my own mind (when does people usually experience this? I was a late bloomer). It was at school, in the long aisle that connects kindergarten with higher level schools. I started to talk to myself more often after that, I guess.

The second turning point was in high school, 3rd grade. My English teacher (whom I love so much) told us in the class, that if you want to excel in foreign language (English) try thinking in that language. And so I did. Not only thinking but also talking out loud. To myself. I am by no means very good in English, but I do train myself to get used to think in English and I believe that helped my fluency a lot over the years. I also blog in English, if that's not obvious enough.

And about talking to yourself thing. I've lived abroad alone for a long period of time, and it felt so lonely I talked to myself more in my Japan era. Sometimes, I do it in public unconsciously and when that happens, I usually whisper 'stop talking to yourself!' as if it would help.

I still do it all the time though. I sometimes refer to me and my conversation partner as 'we' or 'us'. And I was also that conversation partner. I feel like Gollum.

I also talk to the mirror.

IDK, I don't think this is weird at all, it's just what some people do when they're alone or lonely I guess. (Okay, I am weird but I'll try my best not to do this in public, I promise)

Not a while ago, I saw a quote that says

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace - Jonathan Lockwood Huie

And I've been thinking a lot about it. Since my 'drama' post I wrote back in February, I'm still bitter about this one person. I HATE her and it's haunting me. I didn't tell her that what she did irritated me, or that her treatments towards me was awful as hell. The event was over and I don't see the need to start a confrontation then. I just wanted to forget all this, forget that I ever know her and move on.

But it was not easy. I still have some photos that she needs to report the event and I insisted on not giving them to her. I don't care. I don't even reply to her messages. And I realized reading the quote, that I don't feel peace within me because I myself can't let go of this. She doesn't need me to forgive her - she doesn't even know what I'm thinking. I need to forgive her.

So today I sent the photos to another person who said that she is making the report which later on will be sent to the person in question. I mentioned to her as to why I was holding back giving them the photos. I thought it will give me peace, but now I'm not so sure. I just hope I don't appear preachy or whiny. Anyway, lesson learned and I hope we all can be a better person in the future.

I'm still working on my translation even on a Friday night at the end of a busy week, and there's one thing that bothered me right now and I don't have anyone to talk to so bear with me. So this postcrossing thing. Just like when I'm obsessed with anything, for some range of time, my life was dedicated for it. That was all I focused on. I sent a whole bunch of cards, I participated in different threads and tags, and I received many, too, which is nice. But of course, nothing is ever enough and I still want more. So I volunteered myself, in the middle of all these crazy work, to hold a postcrossing meeting in my city *gasp*. Which is okay! I love organizing things. The thing is, this girl I'm working with, man, I can not like. I've felt iffy about her since the first, and now everything is crystal clear. She's a loud personality who likes to uses other people for her benefit.

Just now she posted a photo on her facebook, tagging me and several other friends reminds us about the meeting (which is next week). The photo shows the meet-up card, meet-up poster, and meet-up stamps. Everyone on her facebook praises her for her effort and she's answering everyone saying 'thank you!' and such. The thing is. THAT WAS MY PHOTO. The card was designed by MY SISTER, which I PRINTED. I went to Jakarta Philately Office ALONE in the middle of a heavy rain to get the stamps printed. The poster was made by me, I made it as a mini advertisement to put at Jakarta Philately Office. The poster, the cards, the stamps, was all my hard work. And it was a photo I carefully arranged and took myself IN MY ROOM. Wow. And now she's getting all the recognition and praises for it, I can't even.

And now I'm done.

I've been feeling under the weather for the past 2 weeks, and now I'm officially sick. I went to the doctor, took a day and a half off from work and enjoyed my time alone in my tiny room sleeping the whole day.



And I'm so behind on my translation project which turns out to be SO DIFFICULT OMG! I'm barely making any progress and my editors demanded the script to be submitted this week (impossible, tbh). I'm not even half way done. Also... I miss blogging (;___;). Postcrossing stuff had kept me busy for the last couple of months, I need to get myself back to blogs, even if it's about postcrossing.