I bought access to an online class about intuitive abstract painting two weeks ago. I've been wanting to explore this side of the art world, and I have been failing miserably. It is really frustrating me because I used to get into new areas of arts and crafts with some kind of result. I normally excel in this field, it's my expertise. I love arts and crafts and my love will at least resulted in some level of success.

I've been struggling so much trying to get into abstract art, this makes me question everything. I dream of becoming an established artist and making a living through selling my artworks, but am I capable of doing this? Why am I so bad at this, when I have good stuff to work with? Am I not understanding of basic principles like colors and shapes? Maybe this is not for me. Maybe I only have talent and eyes for putting ready-made things together but not creating art from scratch. Maybe I'm just not built for painting.

I went through my stack of 'failed' watermarbling and gelli prints, and yes they are not exactly the way I envisioned them at the beginning of the experiment, but these results still excite me. They look gorgeous as my journal background and they often give me ideas on how to further accentuate the page resulting in even more beautiful pages.

From all the abstract pieces that I've done, most just frustrates me because they look ugly and I am clueless on how to make them 'right'. I can't use them as anything, either. These are just exercise pieces I need to do in order to get better at intuitive painting. My intuition is dull, and I'm not sure if that can be fixed.

I spent the whole day yesterday trying to make something and when I wasn't satisfied with the piece, I got irritated. I blamed everything including fandom for not giving me anything to be excited or happy about. I kept saying to myself maybe I couldn't get it right because I'm using art as a way to kill time as a distraction while waiting for BTS' comeback.

I know, I know, artists spent years of their lives to perfect their techniques, so I shouldn't be whining for a few failed pieces. Maybe I need to be more humble, get off my high horse and take basic classes on colors and shapes. Maybe I need to loosen up, not think about how to perfect a technique all the time and try to have more fun. Maybe I just haven't find the right thing for me. I should explore more techniques, different mediums and variety of styles.

Feb 19th (Chinese New Year) was a national holiday here, and I took a day off on the 20th so that I could get a long(er) holiday/weekend. I went home in the morning on the 19th and that day I immediately did some re-organization of me and my brother's room because I've been feeling so inspired to clean after marathoning Compulsive Obsessive Cleaners on YouTube. I didn't clean EVERYTHING, but I managed to get rid of the clothes rack hanger that has been bothering me for a while. My mom insisted for us to have one in our room. It stood right in front of the window, the room lack of fresh air and sunlight because I couldn't open it. After some re-organization the room feels fresh and more spacious! I only need to buy some box-shaped shelf to help organize the stash of things left in corners of the room. I also managed to finish some of my swap-bot swaps that almost due.

( Feb 20-22 log )

And today, the 23rd, I'm still feeling soooo tired! It was really really hard fighting the urge to just take a half day off to sleep more this morning. I'm proud with so many things that I achieved during the long holiday, but I really wish I had more time.

I was excited when I saw it, and I imagine the many things I would love to tell the world on my blog.

And then I tried to commit to it seriously. Now I have 4 blog entries and already I'm feeling tired and that these blog entries are too much work. We have to make 100 of them! Thinking about it right now, the way I'm doing it is insanely ambitious.

( whine whine whine )