28 April 2017 @ 10:34 am
I didn't get enough sleep and was late to the office again today (my boss noticed, too). I haven't taken care of myself well the last several days. I didn't eat properly, my house is a total mess with a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink, pile of clothes on the floor, and many other trash scattered across the room. I used to have time in the morning to prepare for coffee and my lunch box to bring to the office, but I haven't been doing that for more than a week. I tried to do something to fix my life last night and I remember I put 3 pairs of shoes that had been on my doorway for a while, into the cupboard finally. It felt really hard to do. I remember I did eat dinner unlike the other days where I only feed myself with a bag of chips, some chocolates and youtube videos. I remember I slept at 2 AM, which is ... better than 4 AM.

I am distraught. I knew I would end up feeling like shit at work whenever I'm obsessed with something or found a new fandom to dig in. I tried to put my fandom dosage intake on a halt last weekend (... or two weekends before this? Memories are starting to blur together), but it felt really, really empty and sad. it felt like there was a hole in my heart. I felt like I was living a fake life creating a distance with something that I'm in love so much with and makes me happy. I didn't watch one video, I didn't even listen to their songs even if they're playing in the back of my mind and I kept humming the tunes. While I could function, it pains me to do that. I felt empty. I don't know what this is, it's an addiction I keep on feeding even though I know it's ruining my life. It's a distraction. I'm constantly thinking and worrying about life, so when these little kids, this fandom could make me laugh and forget about my problems, I could at least enjoy that feeling even for a short time. It is however, never 'a short time'. What was a 2 minutes video lead to hours of time on a night's end. That couple of minutes, or seconds, even, amuse me so much I keep on replaying it, again, again and again. There are so many things to learn! So many things to watch! So many things I need to know about these people!

Until a while ago I had dreams of traveling more, exploring parks and gardens, taking pictures of beautiful flowers, go to hobby show and hunt for local post office postcards. I had a goal to rank higher on postcrossing by the time I come back home. Now, that passion is almost completely gone. I couldn't care less about any and everything, I just want to be home watching my babies. I will be content as long as I have electricity, my computer, and a working internet connection. This is... exactly the same as my condition years ago when I was trapped in fascination of my first ever fandom. It was too exciting, too thrilling, I wouldn't want to miss a single second of it. I didn't eat, I didn't go out, I didn't do chores, it was ... not really living and yet it was one of the most exciting times in my fandom life.

thoughts about past fandom )
Tags: ,
Current Mood: pensive
26 April 2017 @ 04:40 pm
Being a new fan 4 years after a band's debut means I have massive amount of materials to catch up with the whole fandom. The downside is, it could be a little overwhelming. The good thing is, I kept finding gold and gems while digging. While they're old, the entertainment value doesn't drop and each gem just makes me fall in love with the boys over and over again.
Tags: ,
Current Mood: giggly
29 June 2012 @ 03:13 pm
Yesterday I argued with a kid in the morning and I was left feeling uneasy all day. The whole my online life, I've argued with people from the internet a lot of times, and still it's not a fun thing to do. I'm the phlegmatic type who wouldn't speak up to avoid confrontation until it really really bugs me. This time it did.

tl;dr )
Current Mood: tired
08 June 2012 @ 11:47 pm
first challenge entry for [community profile] thefandomzoo

Part 1 : Androgynous Male Model Andrej Pejic )

Part 2 : RPF Pairing Adam Lambert/Tommy Joe Ratliff )

Current Mood: hungry
04 June 2012 @ 06:35 pm
So I shouldn't be writing this but here I am.

Like what I wrote on my last entry, I made my first tumblr graphics in a long time yesterday. I must say despite the fact that I haven't done any graphics for a while, my computer broke down, and I only had a couple hours to finish the entry, I am pretty satisfied and proud with the result. Granted, it could be better given a couple more days, but that was a luxury that I didn't have. I hope next time/challenge I can do better. Here it isss :

It kinda looks like painting/anything-thing, it meant to be a little distorted, grainy and not too ... shiny and smooth.

and on andrej )
Current Mood: uncomfortable
13 March 2012 @ 03:37 pm
Looking back at my graphics life, I don't really remember how I got here. I do remember making stupid banners for my blog, designing a layout for my multiply page and doing manips of celebs. I vaguely remember editing pics for my blog entries but honestly, I don't know what I do before icons, it was such an eye opening experience.

I didn't really 'get' icon posts back then. I thought if people want icons, they can make it themselves, no big deal. I know I would make my own icons. At that time I was not in any particular fandom and was obscure to what purpose does a community on LJ serve.

full story behind the cut )
Current Location: office
Current Mood: lazy