28 April 2017 @ 10:34 am
word vomit  
I didn't get enough sleep and was late to the office again today (my boss noticed, too). I haven't taken care of myself well the last several days. I didn't eat properly, my house is a total mess with a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink, pile of clothes on the floor, and many other trash scattered across the room. I used to have time in the morning to prepare for coffee and my lunch box to bring to the office, but I haven't been doing that for more than a week. I tried to do something to fix my life last night and I remember I put 3 pairs of shoes that had been on my doorway for a while, into the cupboard finally. It felt really hard to do. I remember I did eat dinner unlike the other days where I only feed myself with a bag of chips, some chocolates and youtube videos. I remember I slept at 2 AM, which is ... better than 4 AM.

I am distraught. I knew I would end up feeling like shit at work whenever I'm obsessed with something or found a new fandom to dig in. I tried to put my fandom dosage intake on a halt last weekend (... or two weekends before this? Memories are starting to blur together), but it felt really, really empty and sad. it felt like there was a hole in my heart. I felt like I was living a fake life creating a distance with something that I'm in love so much with and makes me happy. I didn't watch one video, I didn't even listen to their songs even if they're playing in the back of my mind and I kept humming the tunes. While I could function, it pains me to do that. I felt empty. I don't know what this is, it's an addiction I keep on feeding even though I know it's ruining my life. It's a distraction. I'm constantly thinking and worrying about life, so when these little kids, this fandom could make me laugh and forget about my problems, I could at least enjoy that feeling even for a short time. It is however, never 'a short time'. What was a 2 minutes video lead to hours of time on a night's end. That couple of minutes, or seconds, even, amuse me so much I keep on replaying it, again, again and again. There are so many things to learn! So many things to watch! So many things I need to know about these people!

Until a while ago I had dreams of traveling more, exploring parks and gardens, taking pictures of beautiful flowers, go to hobby show and hunt for local post office postcards. I had a goal to rank higher on postcrossing by the time I come back home. Now, that passion is almost completely gone. I couldn't care less about any and everything, I just want to be home watching my babies. I will be content as long as I have electricity, my computer, and a working internet connection. This is... exactly the same as my condition years ago when I was trapped in fascination of my first ever fandom. It was too exciting, too thrilling, I wouldn't want to miss a single second of it. I didn't eat, I didn't go out, I didn't do chores, it was ... not really living and yet it was one of the most exciting times in my fandom life.

Now that I'm completely out of EXO fandom, I'm trying to look back, what was it that I like so much about them? Why? And what was the videos I've seen over and over again (other than MVs) like what I'm watching now? And why? Did I know the members as well as I know BTS members now? It seems like my EXO stanning days were so far away now and that period of time was filled with so much hurt and disappointment my mind is pushing away the memories I had about them. I couldn't remember ANYTHING from the concert I went to except for the fact that I went with my niece Kayla, the venue was fucking horrible, and that I managed to take only a few good photos of the boys. I had no memory of the performances, memorable moments, or what the boys were saying on stage AT ALL. Now I wonder if my IDR 2M worth that experience. ((BY THE WAY, BTS concert this weekend in Jakarta!!! Obviously I'm not going but this is their first time in Indonesia and I'm so excited! Woohoooo!)) Back to EXO, I remember I really enjoyed HunHan moments and I do still think that they are the most beautiful and cute OTP I have ever stanned for (there are not many pairing I'm emotionally attached to in my fandom life). Those moments were too precious. I remember joining fans who are very anxious about the comeback, I remember adoring their comeback photos. But obviously, there were many things I didn't like about the fandom. First of all, I HATE Wolf with passion. If the song came up on my iTunes shuffle now, I still get goosebumps and shudders it's so awful. I think the band is a little too fabricated, SM would scour every corner of the earth if they have to, to produce songs for these kids. The songs felt disjointed, they aren't cohesive to one another, they don't sound like they have any sort of uniformity in the style that makes it EXO. IDK. The fandom was in a way, glorious because there are always news and photos, we get to know where the boys are and what they're doing almost every second. But there are also so many dramas and conflicts. Too many injuries and illnesses, so many tired faces, broken bones and fractured ribs which killed me a little every time I see glimpses of them. I don't know if I'm biased but it really looked more like a slavery and I felt guilty for contributing to the system.

Compared to that, BTS is such a fresh air (I couldn't help but to compare them, these are the only two K-Pop fandoms I've ever been in). Granted, we don't get as much fan photos compared to EXO because they don't have that many sasaengs who would follow them all over the world, but in exchange to that, the agency gives the boys the freedom to tweet, film their own vlog/games/messages for the fans, post selfies on their official account regularly. This is a new thing for me. PLUS the agency is very generous with anything that happened backstage, we managed to see many, many behind the scenes content which is something that fans enjoy very much. We get to not just see what's going on behind the scenes, we get to know the boys better every single video. The boys are given the freedom to produce and be involved in the song making as much as possible, and they stay with the same producers and coreographer in most of their career, making their music and moves felt cohesive and original to them. Again, Big Hit is a new face in the industry, it's not a giant that is SM, it doesn't have that much power or money, but we could feel how they are genuinely making ways for the boys' best interests. They are treating the boys like human, not cash cows. The boys get to vacation a lot in between photoshoots and concerts. When some of the members showed some sign of illness, they without any hesitations halted concerts immediately, even when the members insisted to perform. They are respecting the boys, and the boys are respecting them. It's a beautiful and honest relationship. Maybe also because it's a smaller agency, staff and artists are more close-knitted. BTS is not backed by a big name agency, and yet they are breaking records, topping charts everywhere, traveling all over the world. It felt more like it's because of their genuine efforts and not because of money. The more we see videos of the boys, the more obvious it is to us that they all are very likeable, fun, talented, charming, young group of people.

My bias in EXO was Luhan, and I have to admit the only reason was ... that I like his face. He is very very beautiful to look at. There were thousands of photos of him emerge after each event so it was really convenient to stan his face. His singing voice is okay *shrugs*, nothing super extraordinary, but he can sing. However, his individual taste in music and understanding his own voice's character is ... very questionable. The songs he released (by himself, excluding the OSTs) after EXO was... not good. He also doesn't have a very interesting and or loud personality so interviews with him has almost always been boring (borderline painful) to watch. He's a good subject for graphic works because he's pretty and there were abundant supplies of photos. I enjoyed HunHan while it lasted, but it was really hard to witness their fallout.

V is ... different. I didn't want to like him in the beginning because he seemed to be the most popular, because of his looks. Also because I thought he was an attention seeking kid who thinks he could get away with anything because he's cute. (unfinished entry)
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