4 days have passed since Jonghyun left us all and I'm still not okay. I've been pretending that I'm fine at work and elsewhere but I am clearly not. I've been writing more blog posts than ever in this short period of time as a part of my coping mechanism. I contacted my friends, the ones I haven't talked to for a while to wish them a good day in the light of this tragedy. I bought a motivational book titled 'Brave Enough' to lift my spirit. I read every news article on him, seen photos and watched videos of the funeral hall visitation & procession that are out there for the sake of closure. I donated to charity made on behalf of him. I cried my heart out. I did everything I could so that I could let him go. Let this go.

I woke up everyday assuring myself 'I'm okay, I can do this, I have accepted the reality, I will be okay today.'. I woke up every day thinking that I have finished mourning, I dried up my tear duct but I came home crying even harder than I've ever been at the smallest reminder of Jonghyun.

This hurts so much. I keep wondering why it hurts so much, why am I so affected by this. I've never experienced this kind of loss before. I don't even know him. I'm not even a Shawol, the emotional connection that I have with him is nothing compared to other fans, especially Jonghyun-biased Shawols. I'm not even that dedicated of a K-Pop fan. I only got into K-Pop and learned about SHINee in 2012, that was YEARS after their debut. I don't even follow their individual stuff, never watched any of their dramas, don't have any of the solo songs. Yet here I am in so much pain, every single day, unable to move on. I'm constantly thinking of him and worrying about other members. At one point I was so exhausted and angry I wanted to say to him 'how could you do this to us? do you have any idea how much pain you put the world through?'. I know that doesn't make any sense and is not fair. I've been in this pain for a mere 4 days and he has been suffering alone for YEARS.

This has been bothering me so much up to the point where I got psychosomatic reactions on my body. I got my allergy triggered, episodes of arrhythmia, and insomnia. Also, my eyes hurt. My head hurts.

Millions of people are going through this pain, some worse than others and yet I wonder why that doesn't make it any easier. THIS JUST HURTS TOO MUCH.

I cried last night thinking of how lonely and how much in pain Jonghyun was. I guess it finally sunk in on me that he is really gone, and he left us in the most tragic way. I cried a lot more than when the news first break, maybe this was what I needed to let this go, to accept this harsh reality. I talked to my Shawol friend and she thanked me for contacting her saying that it means a lot to her. I cried even more. There are so many people hurting right now, we all feel so powerless that we couldn't do anything to help one poor soul.

I couldn't help but watching news outlet videos of Jonghyun's colleagues going to the funeral hall to pay respect for him. Everyone walks fast, avoiding attention, gloom all over their faces, some were seen crying. They all had their hair down, eyes down, walk in groups and in silence. This was not something anyone thought they would have to put in their schedules. We've never seen so many artists coming into one place, regardless of agency, regardless of their activity status, and yet the atmosphere was very somber.

I tried watching Stray Kids last night but my heart was just not in it. They couldn't cancel the whole show because it involves live performance and live broadcast of the episode, they have organized hundreds if not thousands of viewers to come to the studio for the show. This is the final episode which is very crucial and I understand. They canceled the planned simultaneous VLive broadcast though so if I were to watch, my only choice was to stream. I turned it on in the middle, but my internet connection was not strong enough so I quit. I didn't care what the result would be at that point anyway. But later last night I saw on twitter that they decided to debut them as 9, which is yay? I felt like a fool. I cried for nothing. I was worried for nothing. There is no way that JYP isn't going to debut them as 9 after all this, it was all just a ploy. I was crying for kids being fake kicked out of an undebuted group ... now I'm crying for an idol who took his own life which is a much bigger, real-life problem than just a fandom plot. I'm numb, I feel empty inside.

Right now my mind and my heart are just not in it but once I recover I will catch up and hopefully I still have the passion and love to support this baby group when they debut next year.

PS. It is said that 96% of the live voting was in favor for a 9 members debut. In my mind was WHO ARE THE OTHER 4% AND WHY THE HELL DID THEY VOTED AGAINST IT. It could be just staff putting in votes so that it's not too extreme, it could be abstain votes but honestly seriously all of them worked hard, they deserve to debut. They have an MV with more than 10 million views with 9 members in it, people are already invested in them, this is the only way!

I can't concentrate at all today at work. My twitter feed is mourning in total silence. Everyone is trying to go by their day in pain. Literally no one posted anything except for the ones updating news about Jjong. Even though K-Pop consists of numerous fandoms, it is still a small, close-knit community. He was an artist from a big company with a big group and 9 years long career, every single person in the industry/community knows who Jonghyun is. This news hit hard on everyone. I'm miles away from SK but I can feel the air is heavy and the community as a whole is in mourning.

I kept browsing Naver and digging in the hashtags... I don't even know what for. I guess I was looking for an answer, I was looking for a closure even though I know there's nothing more for me to take in. I just need to accept it. I've been crying on and off since yesterday and this still doesn't feel real. It can't be.

Everyone has gone through dark times in their lives. I'm so lucky that I'm now in a good place, living a good life, with a good support system around me. I'm going to post this and go offline for a while to seek some peace.

I was on YouTube for more than half an hour then when I got to twitter, new tweets were flooding my timeline and it was circling around the news of Jonghyun's death. Like everybody else, my first reaction was 'NO, it can't be'. And then it slowly sink in on me and I started to cry.

SHINee was an big part of my KPop fandom journey. I saw them (minus Minho at that time) at SMTown Live, and soon after I was obsessed with them. I went to watch TV shows that they were on, buy their songs etc. I've always thought SHINee is a strong, solid group with a very successful career. They debuted at a very young age and their career is one of the most stable up until now. Each member has been given great opportunities for individual activities and growth. They have HUGE popularity. Jjong is one of the most talented singers in the idol industry.

This is why people always say, depression has no face. It doesn't discriminate.

I just wish we could've known sooner, I wish he would talk about it to his closest people... I kept asking why and I couldn't find an answer, I kept regretting how we all never knew that he's been in so much pain. He had so many people loving and supporting him, how is it none of us could prevent this from happening? If the idol life is what makes him suffer, we all would rather he retire from the industry entirely than to get news like this, it's so heart breaking.

May you rest in peace.

Gosh this is my first entry in forever. My new job is eating me up. Hi!

Anyway I was soooo behind on everything as usual and I got weirdly excited when Adam tweeted this :


I was like hell YEAH! I love K-Pop fashion, too! And I love it when my favorite fandoms collide! And then I realized that I was excited about the wrong thing. Adam tweeting about KPop fashion is just a part of the very rare fandom collision in which ADAM and TOMMY were there, at the same venue as SUJU, SHINEE, EXO and were on the same freaking stage they performed on at MAMA 2012 in Hong Kong. akfdakljflskjf;ls

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