I cried last night thinking of how lonely and how much in pain Jonghyun was. I guess it finally sunk in on me that he is really gone, and he left us in the most tragic way. I cried a lot more than when the news first break, maybe this was what I needed to let this go, to accept this harsh reality. I talked to my Shawol friend and she thanked me for contacting her saying that it means a lot to her. I cried even more. There are so many people hurting right now, we all feel so powerless that we couldn't do anything to help one poor soul.

I couldn't help but watching news outlet videos of Jonghyun's colleagues going to the funeral hall to pay respect for him. Everyone walks fast, avoiding attention, gloom all over their faces, some were seen crying. They all had their hair down, eyes down, walk in groups and in silence. This was not something anyone thought they would have to put in their schedules. We've never seen so many artists coming into one place, regardless of agency, regardless of their activity status, and yet the atmosphere was very somber.

I tried watching Stray Kids last night but my heart was just not in it. They couldn't cancel the whole show because it involves live performance and live broadcast of the episode, they have organized hundreds if not thousands of viewers to come to the studio for the show. This is the final episode which is very crucial and I understand. They canceled the planned simultaneous VLive broadcast though so if I were to watch, my only choice was to stream. I turned it on in the middle, but my internet connection was not strong enough so I quit. I didn't care what the result would be at that point anyway. But later last night I saw on twitter that they decided to debut them as 9, which is yay? I felt like a fool. I cried for nothing. I was worried for nothing. There is no way that JYP isn't going to debut them as 9 after all this, it was all just a ploy. I was crying for kids being fake kicked out of an undebuted group ... now I'm crying for an idol who took his own life which is a much bigger, real-life problem than just a fandom plot. I'm numb, I feel empty inside.

Right now my mind and my heart are just not in it but once I recover I will catch up and hopefully I still have the passion and love to support this baby group when they debut next year.

PS. It is said that 96% of the live voting was in favor for a 9 members debut. In my mind was WHO ARE THE OTHER 4% AND WHY THE HELL DID THEY VOTED AGAINST IT. It could be just staff putting in votes so that it's not too extreme, it could be abstain votes but honestly seriously all of them worked hard, they deserve to debut. They have an MV with more than 10 million views with 9 members in it, people are already invested in them, this is the only way!