I'm numb. I don't know what to feel, how to react, or where to go anymore every time there is a new BTS related news. This is the risk of being in a big fandom but doesn't belong to any other smaller groups, I have no safe space. I have no one to talk or to celebrate anything together with. Every where I go I find people bashing, arguing, or spreading negativity in general which is not fun at all. It's like I have to train my mind to look for any possible negativity loopholes and expect the worse of everyone every time there's new stuff. I prefer to take my time to swallow the information alone, taking a step back from the online crowd. And there are so many things happening every day, though not really. Last weekend was Wings Tour in Macau, it's the last leg of their tour before the finale! I thought we could be more excited about it but Jimin hurt himself and had to sit on a stool almost the whole show. Aaand I got myself into an Omona post about Jimin and they are talking about body image issues, extreme dieting and other members' problematic behaviors.

I just wrote my blog entry about BTS' advancement to the West on Friday and later that night they announced that BTS is going to perform DNA at this year's AMAs. My thought was... but... that is American Music Awards. I was kind of ready for comments that bash the show and or BTS in general, saying that the show is trash and that BigHit should've waited for a better opportunity. But like seriously? Being able to perform a foreign song on AMAs stage is still a huge deal. I know K-Pop is still a niche in western music market, but with recent achievements many realized how dedicated the fandom is, and suddenly everyone wants a piece of it. I personally do not like being used to help declining viewerships and clicks, or being put on a pedestal for everyone to see how weird and crazy K-Pop fans are. On a not really related note, my broke ass was just wondering where'd all my money go this month while these fansites ordered tickets to the AMAs in LA the second they announced the performance. I can never figure out how people get all these money to spend on following idols around the globe?

The other thing with MAMA voting... I'm already very very tired of everything. Tired of voting, tired of being guilt-tripped for the days I didn't vote, tired of seeing people telling others to vote. Even without anything major going on in my life, I'm already in a constant state of exhaustion, and I now got another obligation to VOTE.MULTIPLE.TIMES.EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. This fandom culture is stupid. With the massive vote deletion (we don't even know if they're going to do it again before closing the poll or not), I see very small to no point of spending all that time and energy to vote. MNet's going to give the awards to whomever they want to win. And the WE HAVE TO CLEAR OUR NAME AND DEMAND EXPLANATION thing is bullshit. Other than MAMA, there's also voting for other shows. I'm not spending no more energy for this, fandom is supposed to be fun.