Today while I was reading about the whole Jessica getting kicked out of SNSD fiasco, I thought of how much fandom affected me. And then I realized how Lulu's current condition affects me a lot more than it should, more than I thought it would. Well basically the gravity of it all didn't really hit me at first. I kept hoping that tomorrow he'll be alright and we'll be able to see him going to the company just like how it used to be. Sadly that day has never came. At least not yet until now.

Every day, every single day since September 7 which is almost a month ago, I thought of how he's doing. I worry that his condition is getting worse, worry that he won't be able to do the rest of the schedules for this year, worry about his mental health, his well being, everything. I know nothing about him and he doesn't even know I exist but I just couldn't help it. Looking at his pics on tumblr used to be one of the happy little things that makes me smile. And now... looking at pictures of him only hurts me more. Most of the pics still being posted are from Beijing Lost Planet shows and in them he looked tired, sick, and much older than he usually look. I want to hate those pics. I feel like this is the point where I need to leave the fandom for my own good. I join fandom for the fun, for the laugh, for everything that makes me happy and sometimes forget about how shitty real life is. And now, my fandom only adds to my daily problems and stress.

I need to unfollow related tumblrs and tweeters turning my notifications off for everything, and then I need to go and find something new and healthier to obsess about and to distract myself from keep worrying about him. This weekend is SMTOWN Tokyo. Let's see how this turns out for him/me, and I will decide what to do then.