I've been doing so much better since. I spent my last night alone at the apartment listening to Alanis Morissette while reading that book I bought. Something struck me during the day that made me look for Alanis Morissette. I had her album Jagged Little Pill when I was in middle school and the whole album is engraved in my mind. But now as I have better understanding of English, I just realized how beautiful the lyrics are.

The part 'you cry, you learn' and 'you grieve, you learn' from the song You Learn (duh) soothed me.

Another thing that soothed me is this one quote in the Brave Enough that says,

Grief is tremendous, but love is bigger. You are grieving because you loved truly. The beauty in that is greater than the bitterness of death. Allowing this into you consciousness will not keep you from suffering, but it will help you survive the next day. - Sheryl Strayed

I went home for the holidays and being surrounded by my family is the best thing for me right now. I was watching movies with my brother, talked K-Pop with my sister, discussed about the house with my parents, just spending a lot of family quality time. I also have been... sleeping a lot.

I was watching BTS' Wings Tour Blu-Ray that I bought a while ago in the living room when my dad came in. Obviously, he doesn't care enough to differentiate any groups, but he knows that I like K-Pop so he asked,

"Who died? The one in the news."

I know that even though it was big on the news (both local and international) and it had affected me greatly, this news means nothing more than another celebrity death even to my closest people in real life. I didn't want to talk about it but I had to answer so I said,

"He's from a group called SHINee, not this one (I'm watching). But I saw them live once."

"What happened to him"

"He was depressed"

"How did he die?"

"By suicide"

"Oh"

That was not the type of conversation I wanted to have, nor I want my family to know that I spent 4 days crying at work and in my room because of his death. I have accepted the fact that many people wouldn't understand the pain I was going through or why I was hurting so much for someone I don't even know. I have accepted how the world works. However, I guess it's a good thing that I could carry a conversation and am no longer triggered badly by this. I still tear up here and there, but I'm alright now.