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Entry tags:
Social Anxiety
After dreading it forever, last night I decided to go to a friend's wedding at Puri Ardhya Garini. Except, that I wouldn't call him a friend, I barely even know him! Yes, he went to the same elementary/middle school as me but we were never close. We were never even in the same class, and I don't even have ONE memory of us talking, ever. One thing that ties me to him was that he was close to my cousin back then (and everyone in our school knows that he is my cousin). As I remember, this guy and my cousin, they looked like each other and they were always together. I don't even remember what he was called. God. This is such torture. My mom insisted me to come and mingle and I decided that I will just for the sake of it. I don't want to be told 100 times how I antisocial of a person I am by my mom for the next 2 weeks. Also, I missed a friend's wedding a month ago which was held at the same venue, the I'm still feeling so guilty about. I thought coming to this one will somehow make up for it (I'm fully aware how this doesn't make any sense).
Anyway, I HATE WEDDINGS. It's always a torture to attend one except for those of the people I'm really close to, with the crowd I'm comfortable to be with. This crowd, isn't one of them.
I was a weird kid back then at school. If I could, I would cut ties to anything that would remind me of school days. I was that weird girl who sits in the back of the classroom to draw mangas and never talk to anyone. I always have the too long skirt, with long socks and big gold earrings that my mom put on me, and I wear headbands that my teacher would mock. I'm that girl whom people don't hate but don't like either. I had no friends. Furthermore, I went to the same fucking school from kindergarten to high school, in the same fucking academic complex, with almost the same people, continuously for 14 years.
Going to weddings of elementary/middle/high school friends only reminds me of that, bringing back the old awkward me, and meeting me with the crowd who looks down on me and thinks that I'm weird. I can't do this! Going to weddings like this is so stressful, I kept thinking of what to wear, how to look and what people will think of me when they meet me after all these years. What to say to them to convince them that I am no longer that weird kid at school. And because I didn't have any friends back then, I don't have anyone to go with me now! I'm going alone, with the weird wedding circus clown look that I put on, driving the same old car that I was driving back then in high school. And people will think that some things just don't change ... sigh.
And while others are with their significant others or even kids, I'm just going to be there alone. And this will further make them think like 'oh, the weird girl back then in school days, of course she's going to end up alone'. I was contemplating whether I should just go home after giving the bride and groom my congratulations but it would be even more weird and awkward so I started awkwardly saying hi to people I know.
My social anxiety is at its worst when it comes to times like this. Sigh. And nobody understands that either.
Anyway, I HATE WEDDINGS. It's always a torture to attend one except for those of the people I'm really close to, with the crowd I'm comfortable to be with. This crowd, isn't one of them.
I was a weird kid back then at school. If I could, I would cut ties to anything that would remind me of school days. I was that weird girl who sits in the back of the classroom to draw mangas and never talk to anyone. I always have the too long skirt, with long socks and big gold earrings that my mom put on me, and I wear headbands that my teacher would mock. I'm that girl whom people don't hate but don't like either. I had no friends. Furthermore, I went to the same fucking school from kindergarten to high school, in the same fucking academic complex, with almost the same people, continuously for 14 years.
Going to weddings of elementary/middle/high school friends only reminds me of that, bringing back the old awkward me, and meeting me with the crowd who looks down on me and thinks that I'm weird. I can't do this! Going to weddings like this is so stressful, I kept thinking of what to wear, how to look and what people will think of me when they meet me after all these years. What to say to them to convince them that I am no longer that weird kid at school. And because I didn't have any friends back then, I don't have anyone to go with me now! I'm going alone, with the weird wedding circus clown look that I put on, driving the same old car that I was driving back then in high school. And people will think that some things just don't change ... sigh.
And while others are with their significant others or even kids, I'm just going to be there alone. And this will further make them think like 'oh, the weird girl back then in school days, of course she's going to end up alone'. I was contemplating whether I should just go home after giving the bride and groom my congratulations but it would be even more weird and awkward so I started awkwardly saying hi to people I know.
My social anxiety is at its worst when it comes to times like this. Sigh. And nobody understands that either.