12 May 2017 @ 06:06 pm
This morning when I woke up I wasn't feeling well. I knew something was wrong, but it wasn't that bad so I thought I was just being whiny because I was sleepy. I thought I still could make it to the office just fine. I went to the station and got on the train. The train was not even that crowded, but that feeling was getting worse, I felt like I was about to get a panic attack, accompanied by a hint of nausea. By the time the train left the 3rd station after mine, it got even worse. My hands were cold, I could feel cold sweat all over my body. I was trying to convince myself that I was going to be okay when I started to see black spots and my vision started to go dark. Wow, I'm going to faint, I thought. All I could think of was that I have to get off at the next station and I wished for the train to arrive there soon. The announcement voice was fading on me but I could feel the train stopping and the doors opening. At that point my vision was almost completely black, I couldn't see anything but I knew I had to get off so I walked with one hand covering my face and one hand stretched to the direction I was walking to like a crazy person. When I thought about it again, I was lucky that I didn't get either of my foot stuck in between the train and the platform, that would be a disaster. Eventually my hand touched a big pillar on the platform and I've never been so grateful about its existence in my life. I stood against the pillar for a couple of seconds waiting to gain strength and for my vision to come back. It came back little by little, and as I saw an empty spot on the platform bench I immediately dragged my body to sit there. I felt cold still, but at least I regained my strength and vision, and I was not about to faint anymore. I was looking around searching for signs of any station staff or an emergency intercom machine just in case, while pondering whether I should go back home, go to the station office to lay down a little bit, or just continue my journey to the office. This reminded me of Tokyo Metro's posters advising passengers who does not feel well to reach for their staff immediately. When I was sure I could stand up straight again I head to a nearby vending machine and got myself a bottle of water. The machine didn't have Ion drink which I thought would help my body be stronger temporarily, but at least I got water. I decided I should lay down a bit so I went up the escalator to find Metro staff, but I saw the railway map on my way up, counted that I only need to endure 5 more stops to reach my workplace and went back to the platform. If this was any other day, I wouldn't think twice to send an email to my superior and excuse myself from work for the day. But there's this thing due on Monday, I promised to go to lunch with the nice ladies at work, plus I had a meeting with HR scheduled at 2 PM. The meeting will determine my fate and the procedure of going back to Indonesia, and as an OCD planner that I am, I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW. The train came. I stood in the crowd near the door, kept my head down, controlled my breathing while repeating positive thoughts in my mind.

I made it to the office although with very little to no motivation to work all day. All I could think of is : I want to take a nap!!! I figured it's that time of the month again : my PMS. It's as they say, it really has gotten so much more awful in your 30s. It has been happening for a while so I anticipated it to come each month. But since it passed my estimated date, I simply thought 'oh, maybe this month it's not going to be as horrible as before'. Man, I was wrong.

It also shows different symptoms each time? Sometimes the joint pain is so unbearable I can't even get myself out of bed, sometimes the headache is worse, but it was never a blackout. This was the first time. But each time there's always cold sweat accompanied by panic attack for knowing something is really wrong. If I'm lucky it happens on weekends so I can just rest, or at least very early in the morning on a weekday so I have enough time to contact the office for a day off. It's the second time I had to get off the train because of these PMS related symptoms/attacks.
Current Mood: tired
10 May 2017 @ 03:04 pm
I don't know why this keeps happening to me, but eventually everyone is touring everywhere so it make sense for our existence to be in the same city at some point. I just got into this fandom a couple of months ago, right. And then I found out that they're coming for The Wings Tour Japan Edition starting at the end of May. They will perform 22 times in Japan alone and there are 3 dates for Tokyo greater area (Saitama). Now what do I do? I'm really conflicted and it's not about the money. I think as long as it's under $300 it's something I can afford, but do I really want to go? Will this worth it?

Pros :
- I will get to experience a K-Pop concert in Japan for the first time
- I will get to experience a stadium concert and know what it's like
- I will get to see them live

Cons :
- I will be there alone in the sea of East Asian teenagers
- That will trigger my anxiety for sure
- Undetermined seating and the uncertainty of whether we'll be able to see them or not
- THE HORROR : They will sing Japanese versions instead of original Korean ones
- Lost of money
- I will be traumatized of something
- I will lose passion in the fandom after this milestone

Okay, even worse, I just found out that they're doing a fan event at Roppongi Hills this afternoon. It's within walking distance from my office. But it's limited event just for the people who purchased the CDs, get lottery numbers and won the lottery. I've never been in a fanmeeting before and I'm not sure if I want to be there? What do people do there? Handshake? High five? Ask them to sign our copy? Tell them cheesy lines like 'you make me happy'?? I meant, I don't even know what language to use if I were there, I can't speak Korean. The Korean meetings always seem to be fun judging from fan accounts and fan taken photos/videos. But Japanese ones will be much more strict. No photos, no videos, everything is restricted.

Hmmm my boss just called me for the first time this month and he was asking about details of my return to Indonesia. I've been mentally preparing for going back, but with this talk everything is now official. I feel like all of a sudden it just dawned on me that I have less than two months left here. I don't care about anything else, I need to prepare!
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Current Mood: contemplative
28 April 2017 @ 10:34 am
I didn't get enough sleep and was late to the office again today (my boss noticed, too). I haven't taken care of myself well the last several days. I didn't eat properly, my house is a total mess with a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink, pile of clothes on the floor, and many other trash scattered across the room. I used to have time in the morning to prepare for coffee and my lunch box to bring to the office, but I haven't been doing that for more than a week. I tried to do something to fix my life last night and I remember I put 3 pairs of shoes that had been on my doorway for a while, into the cupboard finally. It felt really hard to do. I remember I did eat dinner unlike the other days where I only feed myself with a bag of chips, some chocolates and youtube videos. I remember I slept at 2 AM, which is ... better than 4 AM.

I am distraught. I knew I would end up feeling like shit at work whenever I'm obsessed with something or found a new fandom to dig in. I tried to put my fandom dosage intake on a halt last weekend (... or two weekends before this? Memories are starting to blur together), but it felt really, really empty and sad. it felt like there was a hole in my heart. I felt like I was living a fake life creating a distance with something that I'm in love so much with and makes me happy. I didn't watch one video, I didn't even listen to their songs even if they're playing in the back of my mind and I kept humming the tunes. While I could function, it pains me to do that. I felt empty. I don't know what this is, it's an addiction I keep on feeding even though I know it's ruining my life. It's a distraction. I'm constantly thinking and worrying about life, so when these little kids, this fandom could make me laugh and forget about my problems, I could at least enjoy that feeling even for a short time. It is however, never 'a short time'. What was a 2 minutes video lead to hours of time on a night's end. That couple of minutes, or seconds, even, amuse me so much I keep on replaying it, again, again and again. There are so many things to learn! So many things to watch! So many things I need to know about these people!

Until a while ago I had dreams of traveling more, exploring parks and gardens, taking pictures of beautiful flowers, go to hobby show and hunt for local post office postcards. I had a goal to rank higher on postcrossing by the time I come back home. Now, that passion is almost completely gone. I couldn't care less about any and everything, I just want to be home watching my babies. I will be content as long as I have electricity, my computer, and a working internet connection. This is... exactly the same as my condition years ago when I was trapped in fascination of my first ever fandom. It was too exciting, too thrilling, I wouldn't want to miss a single second of it. I didn't eat, I didn't go out, I didn't do chores, it was ... not really living and yet it was one of the most exciting times in my fandom life.

thoughts about past fandom )
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Current Mood: pensive
26 April 2017 @ 04:40 pm
Being a new fan 4 years after a band's debut means I have massive amount of materials to catch up with the whole fandom. The downside is, it could be a little overwhelming. The good thing is, I kept finding gold and gems while digging. While they're old, the entertainment value doesn't drop and each gem just makes me fall in love with the boys over and over again.
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Current Mood: giggly
24 April 2017 @ 01:58 pm
Like I wrote in my previous post, I finally succumbed to it : yes my bias is V. He's super cute I couldn't resist! I've been watching V-centric videos all weekend and I'm still thirsty for more. He's all I could think about.

Just V
His behavior in general seems to be this crazy, hyper kid, but gets shy easily as well. From all the videos of him that I've watched, I've never gotten any negative vibe from him except from when he's very sleepy/just a little cranky - pouty. Even when Jungkook teased him as he was sleeping in between performances, in the end he was just reacting by smiling super cutely. I mean IDK, if I were an idol running on sleep deprived days and someone annoys me in the middle of that very limited time that I got to sleep, I might beat the hell out of them.

There's this one video that I'm crazy about right now - it's one of those backstage variety videos from music shows that they record and broadcast before an artist's performance. At the end of the section there's a random dance break with one member doing dance moves in the center and all the others making like a tight wall around that one person - staying still and keeping their faces as expressionless as possible. At first they showed J-Hope singing happy birthday to himself while dancing frantically and the kids were reacting with tiny chuckles, after that was RapMon's turn, which was more than a little cringey. And then there's V doing his crazy, high energy moves and shouts when all of the sudden, he slaps all the members in a circular motion as part of his dance INTENTIONALLY. He's crazy! In a culture that respects hierarchy so much you have to address anyone older than you with an honorific and polite language, V, the second youngest member of the group managed to slap all of the members ON CAMERA. Everyone burst into laugh and tiny little 16 yr-old Jungkook was so amused he was still rolling on the floor laughing - literally - even after everyone had left the space. It was super cute. And V was a cute tiny little bean back then, too (this was from 2014).

To mention facts about V is easy :
- He loves the members
- He loves dogs/animals
- He loves kids/babies
- He loves his family (his grandma, especially)
- He loves ARMY so much
- He loves pokemon
- He loves food
- He loves to play

My heart melts into mush seeing how his Hwarang hyungs treat him. They all just love him so much! And what is there not to love, he is super cute, very sociable, charming, adorable, very active, positive and loving. I didn't watch the whole show, just (obviously) Hansung cuts here and there, promo vids, behind the scenes and interviews. All the other cast members seem to have positive things to say about our adorable little V. To be honest, at first I was concerned when I found out Tae's drama debut was a period drama. I've always thought that if an idol would debut in a television drama, the easy and obvious choice would be school love story. Period drama could be very tricky especially for young, newbie actors. There's this historical portrayal, the language must be different, with soo many other challenges like costumes, settings, required martial arts skills and physical strength, etc. Also, if not made well, it surely would flop HARD (the mental image of low budget Indonesian period dramas makes me shudder). I'm also not sure about the popularity of period drama (esp in East Asia), but drama with modern settings and conflicts seem to be much more relatable and easier to swallow by general viewers.

HOWEVER. This Hansung character in Hwarang. Wow, I'm speechless. I don't know how the agency managed to get it for him, but it was THE PERFECT ROLE for V. Taetae was super super cute in his Hansung getup. I've always loved longer hair on anyone, so YES to long hair Taetae. He looked super super cute, the character is perfect for him; young, mischievous, but also loving, cute and a little spoiled. His acting was great, and he easily made a whole new connections with all these actors, many of them with much longer career in the entertainment industry. I feel really happy for him for getting to experience this.
Current Mood: chipper
21 April 2017 @ 11:54 am
For a while now I couldn't decide who my bias would be in bts. The ones I'm intrigued the most are (if it's not obvious) Suga, V, Jimin, Jungkook. I was really curious about the members' popularity level, who is the most popular? What pairing is the most popular? After some research and looking at more evidences, V seems to be the most popular, followed by Jungkook and Jimin. It left me wonder why the youngest members in the group are almost always the most popular ones. But again, are they? I'm not an expert at all in KPop fandom. Not sure about the most popular OTP, but guessing from popularity level, then it must be vkook, right?

New comments on the members after more observation :
Jin : Like I said before, something is off with him that makes him unsympathetic. He's handsome, yes, but his personality gives an arrogant vibe? IDK. It is too obvious that he's very proud of his looks. He speaks a lot in bts videos but not outside his comfort zones like during variety etc. Also (other than solos obviously) why does Jin always get less part than anybody else, both in singing and being center in dance formations? This makes me question, is it because he's not talented enough?

Suga : I think Suga is very talented. Other than making music he also do photography and edits, and he is really good at being an MC. He probably would prefer to be on his own than in an idol group. He just doesn't match the type. He seems so over being in variety shows that meant to ridicule idols and be stupid in general.

J-Hope : J-Hope, I think his bubbly personality is charming, and he performs well both dancing and singing. He seems to be someone who is fun to be around. He is scared of EVERYTHING. Except for humans.

RapMon : RapMon is alright. I notice how other members are respecting him as the group leader. He seems to be very talented in creating music and lyrics, we can feel his passion. Being the leader, he seems to be very articulate and his voice is really nice to hear.

Jimin : I just lately realized that Jimin is the same age as V and was in the same class in High School. He was a little chubby and was in his weird puberty period when they debuted, but my God, Blood Sweat and Tears era was a turning point. He clearly was the star of that MV. He seems humble, kind and loving. Has soccer player thighs.

V : Tae is just wacky. Like I wrote before, I thought he's doing all the weird stuff to attract attention because he thinks he's cute. But after it turns out, 1) he doesn't think he's cute 2) he's not doing this for attention, he's just wacky. He's always hyper with so much energy. He doesn't care about his looks which is why he often ends up in a very unfortunate fashion situation, and he intentionally make weird/ugly face selfies with the camera being positioned too close to the face. Anyone narcissistic (*cough* Jin *cough*) would NEVER do that, and would never publish anything they look weird/ugly in. V doesn't care, which only makes him much more likeable and approachable. He also ... is almost always be the one who initiate physical contact with other members/people/animal/plushies/anything in general - I guess he loves hugs and cuddles - which makes him even more adorable. He has a lot of charm that I can't help but being drawn to him.

Jungkook : He's a little baby. Looking at his face pre-plastic surgery predebut thrown me off a little, but he is such a lovable personality and like I said, he's grown to be a very handsome man. He loves his hyungs, when teases them and no one can be angry at him because he is just too cute & adorable. He's always happily smiling and seems to be a presence loved by everyone in the group (and fans). He's a good, talented, obedient kid.
Current Mood: amused
17 April 2017 @ 04:25 pm
On Friday we had a dinner party with members of my division which I've always been reluctant about. I'm too awkward for these social events among Japanese, I don't drink, I have a strict diet, I'm not funny, I never know what to say and I never got all the jokes. The first hour was bearable, I enjoyed watching them having fun. But after 1.5 hours... and then past 2 hours time, I grew restless, I kept rubbing the skin on my arm while praying that someone will finally wrap the party up SO I CAN GO HOME. I miss my boys. I kept thinking about BTS the whole time. I went home with one other lady from the division, and unfortunately we were going the same direction. When she got off the train first, I rushed to find my MP3 player to listen to BTS like an addict on withdrawal.

On Saturday I had plans with my friend Christine who is visiting Japan with her family. She said she'll be done taking her family to imperial palace at around 9, so hopefully we could meet at around 10. The place we wanted to visit isn't far from my place, and I wanted to learn it beforehand so I will have some rough image about where we're going and what to do there. So I got out of my house at around 9 (I don't remember exactly), and wander around the area following google map's direction while taking pictures of flowers in front of people's houses like a creepy, suspicious person that I am. I decided to just walk to Nippori Station where we should be meeting even though there's quite a distance from my house (probably around 30 minutes walk). But the weather was nice, the air was clear, and it's nice to bask in sunshine every once in a while (yes, I applied my sun screen). I walked around, saw so many beautiful plants and flowers, and the place was actually quite nice. It was calm, peaceful, surrounded by nature with some people taking their cute dog(s) for a walk. The place was not swarmed by tourists unlike the most popular spots in town.

However, after walking for a while, I still haven't gotten any messages from Christine and it's already past 11. I grew impatient and felt a bit tired after walking, too. Turns out her family was leaving the hotel much later than she estimated. We met at 12, we ate at a restaurant near the station and had a great talk catching up with everything. We started walking from the cemetery and right from the get go Christine LOVED the place. It really was nice. There are some visitors and tourists, but it's not jam-packed like most popular tourist attractions. It's not a garden per se, but the amount and many types of flowers they have were amazing. We took photos of the flowers and scenery and Christine couldn't stop gushing about how cute the place is.

We stopped at an old Japanese traditional house re-functioned as a cafe and spent quite some time there drinking coffee and creme brule. We visited another old house (said to be 120 years old!) re-purposed as an exhibition space. We saw a shooting star while walking around! We went to Nezu shrine. Initially I wanted to see the Azalea festival, but it was starting to get darker when we got there and only a small portion of the Azaleas were blooming so we only looked at it from afar and decided not to get in. While walking back to the station, we found Yanaka Ginza, it was nice but again, it was getting dark and some of the stores were closing. But the scene was beautiful. We took pictures of the Yuyake-dandan steps with sunset sky in the background. After that, we went to Shinjuku because Christine wanted to visit Tokyu Hands in Takashimaya. To be honest I was dead tired then from being outside all day, but I decided to accompany her anyway. We separated as she got on a taxi heading to her hotel.

On Sunday, I decided to get my life together like a normal, responsible, functioning adult so I stayed at home. I washed 2 loads of laundry and folded everything that has been on my apartment floor for weeks. I felt like I did pretty good. Oh also, one other significant thing I decided to do was to stay away from Bangtan. I knew I will get too hyped and crazy when I start doing anything involving them so I stayed away from even listening to their songs (although they're playing in my head). I was afraid that I'm going to waste away my weekend again doing nothing and continue living half life dwelling in this filthy, messy place. I had Netflix on all day, playing something I knew wouldn't take up too much of my attention because I needed to do CHORES. It was a thriller tv series called Slasher. It was nothing brilliant or original, but watchable (small town, murders connected to 7 deadly sins, etc). The point of all thriller movies/series is the reveal of who the murderer actually is, which will always be the big ending, so the middle part was just unimportant fillers intended to make us question every single character on the show. In the end I managed to clean my room, wash laundry & dishes, and also finally wrote/decorate some of the postcards for postcrossing I've put off for more than a week (I lost a little bit of my postcrossing passion because of my brand new Bangtan obsession).

I tried to sleep early but had difficulties falling asleep (again) so I popped a sleeping pill for the first time. I've had sleeping problems for a while (not that severe, but I often have trouble falling asleep ended up sleep deprived and feeling miserable the next day), but I was really paranoid about taking sleeping pills. When I was in Jakarta, after many sleep deprived days, I went to the drug store to buy them. I talked to the drug store shop keeper, I mentioned I've never taken a sleeping pill before, I asked her which one should I take. I went with her recommendation which she said is herbal so it's not supposed to be that strong. I took one pill at 8 PM that night and it completely knocked me out. I woke up the next day struggling to even stand up, like I was paralyzed! I was trying to get ready for work, but my body wouldn't cooperate so I text my boss saying I'm taking the day off. I slept through the whole day and woke up again in the afternoon. I gathered all the strengths that I had to get out of the apartment and get food. Even at 6 PM (after sleeping for 22 hours) the effect was still quite strong and it was still really, really hard for me to walk. I was traumatized! I told my mom, my sister and my friends about the horrifying experience and they all told me not to take that pill ever again (duh). Ever since, no matter how difficult it was for me to fall asleep, I've never taken a single pill. Until a couple of months ago when I told a nurse at my office health clinic that I've had trouble sleeping for a while now, but am afraid of sleeping pills because of my experience with one. She told me there are types of sleeping pills with small dosage designed to help you sleep, but won't make your body feels heavy the next day. I went to a doctor describing that drug to get it prescribed. I've had them in my possession for months now, but I kept hesitating to take them even when I've been tossing and turning in my bed for hours, still afraid of the effect. Anyway, finally last night I took one. I prepared myself mentally for a worst case scenario, that I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning and had to take another rest day. But today I woke up earlier than usual even with less than the ideal 8 hours sleep, feeling fresh and awake. The sun was shining, I had time to prepare for my lunch box and coffee, and I wasn't late to work. I guess it worked great!
Current Mood: okay
13 April 2017 @ 04:13 pm
Okay so I have spent most of my free time obsessing about bts and got absolutely nothing else done. Actually that's a lie. I finally did grocery shopping yesterday after putting it off forever and I felt so accomplished. I kept on repeating Fire and Not Today which was the only two songs I bought off of iTunes and they're just not cutting it for me anymore. I NEED MOAR. I wanted to have a good collection of their music, but K-Pop group discographies are just too confusing because of the multiple re-releases, re-packages, etc. As a new fan, I'm not familiar with the titles to know which one is what. I love the boys, but I'm just starting to learn about them so I don't want to get overwhelmed with tons of the same songs. I ended up buying two of their albums plus one song separately. I went grocery shopping with these new songs on my mp3 player which was the only thing that made me happy and bouncy all the way to the supermarket and back.

I also found more of my favorite videos of them that I started watching over and over again, they are just too adorable. Initially I couldn't get into Blood Sweat and Tears, just because it's a song with slower beat and there is no dance version MV. I had to watch the real MV and it's the kind that has long prologue + epilogue which is bullshit! I want to hear the song and watch them dance, that's it (which was why it was easier for me to get into fire and not today - both has dance version mv, plus the beat is catchy). I also felt like it's trying so hard to be ~fine art and seductive (y'all are too young for me, boyz). However, after several listens and watches, I fell in love with the MV concept (I haven't learned the lyrics yet). It's pretty. Jimin is so very beautiful in it, it's ethereal. I still wish it had a dance version MV. Why they didn't make one, is beyond me. The dance scene is gorgeous!

I've also been listening to different songs in their albums and I have to take back what I said about them being just so-so at singing. They're great singers. Tae has such a versatile singing voice! I was just skeptical because no one is that good looking and also that good at singing AND dancing. Too much talent! I still can't distinguish the singing voices though. Time to watch those line distribution vids!

After seeing more interview videos I realized that Tae is more weird and wacky than he is a bad boy. He's the kind who could spend so much time alone and still enjoys it, he even talks to himself (I do this too). I suspect that he's an AB, and he is, which makes him more relatable to me.

I saw Suga's solo song MV (just one of them - the self-titled one) and it was just too intense. I felt like being pounded hard from just watching it. I have to admit that he's an amazing rapper/song producer, but still the part where he repeatedly saying "STD" trying to be cool has left me cringing. He also slipped "fucking asshole" in the song which is very aggressive for an idol marketed towards kids as young as early teens. In English speaking countries, you wouldn't be able to release a song like that without being labeled 'explicit' and here in Asia, you'd just look cool cause you sound like you understand English language. Korea is .... I don't know where to start, it's the same as Japan, they're very comfortable with their country where everything is served in local language that they don't see the need for ability to comprehend English. And frankly it's really embarrassing for idol groups in this scale to not be able to speak English. You're traveling across the globe! Even in the songs, if I hadn't seen the lyrics I couldn't get what they're saying. In not today, I couldn't get "underdogs" I hear "drugs" in the prologue and I hear "today we will survive" as "today we raise apart" and "together we won't die" as "together we will die" which is... please don't.

On the other side, I love the fact that BTS is pure Korean and none of them are residents or citizens of other countries. It's just simpler with less ... conflicts of interest (I learned my lesson the hard way in previous fandom).

Anyway, I saw videos of them performing (and actually singing) live and they are amazing. Suga almost always prefer to actually sing his lines, in practice or on stage. I applaud him for being that singer but also I suppose it's easier for him since his lines are raps and he's not doing crazy dance moves when he spits them. But he really brings the energy to their performance.

My bts related google searches today :
awards won by bts
bts lightstick -- super expensive but I want it, tbh
saitama super arena -- there's a bts concert in June, should I go???? Can't decide.
bts blood sweat and tears coreography
bts members blood type
bts livejournal
v bts blood type
bts jimin
bts injury
and the last one is ... bts main ships

(Out of randomness other than that I also googled adam lambert, persimmon, is titanium bulletproof, why saudi arabia is so rich, kaki udon in tokyo and is holycow beef halal.)
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13 April 2017 @ 03:54 pm
I haven't blogged a lot so I'l try to write a summary of all the things that happened in the last year and a half. Last time I blogged that I was really stressed out and unsatisfied with the way I live my life and I wanted change. I wanted to go to a different country and experience new things. I actually went to Singapore in October 2015, and I did an interview with a headhunter agency to see my chances of finding a job there. I went back home, I told my boss that I want to leave. I said that this was my fourth year in the company, the job has became too monotonous for me, I was sick of Jakarta and I wanted to leave the country. My boss acknowledged my wish, we had dinner together that night and had good conversation about life, work, jobs, etc. At that time, I haven't been doing real interviews or guaranteed to be working anywhere else so I basically gambled everything to take a leap of faith I've been uncertain of taking. I was just crossing my finger and hoped that I will eventually find a good job and a chance to experience new, fun, different life. I plotted everything in my mind. I was even looking for my own replacement so that I could resign peacefully. But something happened. It turns out that the people in HQ didn't really want to let me go? So my boss called me again, and said that if this is not about the company, there might be chances in the future that I could be placed in offices other than this one. There might be a Singapore branch sometime in the future, and there's a good chance that I could be sent for a training program at Tokyo HQ. So he asked me if I would stay with those conditions in mind. I hesitated, but I said yes. And there I was stuck again in the same cubicle, doing the same thing with a slight hope that I could at least temporarily be out of this toxic environment someday.

In December 2015 HQ called me in. It was a meaningless business trip designed to make me happy. I work administration job, there was no urgency whatsoever that requires me to travel to HQ. My own boss wasn't really happy and or supportive about my trip, he knew it wasn't necessary. In HQ, I met my former boss, the head of the division etc, obviously I didn't do much meaningful work but it was a nice trip. I was also promised (kinda) that I would be the next person they'll invite for a 1 year training program in HQ by next year. And so I waited for another 6 months.

I moved to Japan at the end of June last year for the training program. The offer was a no-brainer, I'd be given a place to live, allowances for living abroad, I get to live in Tokyo again and experience working in Japan. Even if I wouldn't dedicate my life to this company, I'd be out with the experience of working in Japan, which I think would make a huge difference. Japanese working conditions stresses me out a little bit, but overall it was okay. I knew the consequences of living alone in Japan, a little lonely, but it was a fresh, peaceful, and safe life. I think one of the things that caught me off guard was the amount of time and effort needed to do my own chores. I didn't have as much free time as I thought I would because of it. I've lived my life without doing chores for more than 3 years living in a serviced apartment back home. But I'm still grateful for the experience. And now, April 2017, I have only 2.5 months left here. I miss my family, my serviced apartment life and Indonesian food, but I must mentally prepare myself for everything that I didn't like about the country.
Current Mood: contemplative
12 April 2017 @ 11:09 pm
I... somehow I got into BTS fandom just a couple of days ago. Okay so I'm going to write how I got into this (it's very long, as usual).

the whole story here )

Anyway, they are a very solid group! Now I understand the hype. Aside from the fact that they're good to look at, their songs are ALL enjoyable and feels very cohesive, style-wise. They're no over the top singer - no vocal olympics and all that, but they're very good at what they do and the songs are well produced to showcase their strengths. The songs are perfect for them, and for this era of music. Even though they're very young, they co-produce (or even produce) and involved heavily in the making of the songs. Their music and videos are really, really well made (meaning they're making lots of money, meaning they're really popular), and they are also very well documented which is a good thing for fans, because nothing is ever enough. This feeds the addiction well. They're travelling across the globe and tickets are selling out fast. From what I've seen, the numbers and everything, BTS currently is the most popular K-Pop boy group.

some more note )

I'm so obsessed they're all I think of now, even at work. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not? Because usually when I'm obsessed, I got NOTHING done. I know one good thing about this though. Obsessing over an online presence keeps me away from shopping. Whenever I'm active online, I managed to not get out of the house, hence my wallet and bank account is intact. lol. Let's see where this obsession goes.
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Current Mood: bouncy
19 April 2016 @ 03:23 pm
Me before today : OMG DRAG RACE, YES! Is there no one around me who watches the show, seriously? It's the best show ever! I could talk about the show forever!

Me after today : Please do not even think to mention Drag Race when I'm in your presence.

Wow. I don't even know where to start or what to say. My heart is breaking.

I'm trying to justify what happened. Like, Acid is super talented and she went home for one flub. So, it is very likely that the same thing could happen to anyone else. Even Thorgy. Especially Thorgy. We all witnessed how she has been good but not good enough all season. She's been in the top but has never won any challenges, her style/aesthetic is somewhat questionable, so.... yeah! She could be eliminated at anytime! Even for challenges she had confidence in!

When something big happened to my fandom (which is my life, tbh), I always feel this gut-wrenching feeling, mixed emotions that I can't put into words. There's sadness, disappointment, worry that Thorgy is not going to do better than her sisters in the future, and maybe there's a little relieved feeling as well that I no longer have to worry about the possibility of her being eliminated in the next episodes.

Thorgy is AMAZING. She has the personality, the attitude, the positivity that makes people loves her. However I'm a little worried about how she's going to put herself out there after the show. You need to make a brand for yourself. She's not a social media queen, it took her forever to set up her website and merch, etc. Your fifteen minutes, girl, it's running out soon. She got a lot of ideas but honestly we need to see execution and she's just not the best at it.

Anyway Thorgy is traveling a lot and doing great gigs, so I'm happy for her, so proud of her, I want to meet her someday, and I wish her nothing but the best.

P.S. I'm still not watching tonight's episode. I'll be back for the reunion.
Current Mood: sad
14 April 2016 @ 12:48 pm
This is seriously getting frustrating. I think the girls are a group of very talented people with interesting personalities but... they are lacking in the looks department. I bet y'all miss Acid Betty now. Sure, we still got Kim Chi the goddess of visual but one Kim Chi is not enough to make the whole ensemble amazing.

This is season 8 and this is the second episode you have let the audience down. You were given amazing themes, Madonna??? Wizard of Oz Couture????? Those themes have endless possibilities and so much potential but the audience are left speechless (not in a good way) with what was presented on stage. Granted, there are factors like shitty materials provided by the production and time constraints to create two looks for yourself and for your little lady but come the fuck on. This is really getting frustrating. The looks are frustrating, Thorgy keeps on being safe is frustrating. She's good, but she's not good enough to win something on the show so far is what really, really frustrates all Thorgy fans. Like, not even the music challenge that she excels in, not even one mini challenge.

And yea, the Ozians aka citizens of Emerald city is not the most interesting out of all the other character inspirations from The Wizard of Oz, but you could've taken it much further! Think about the citizens of the Capitol from The Hunger Games, how extravagant, how big their costumes are, how vibrant in color and how crazy their make-up looks. Think couture! I so can see it! I mean something like THAT would blow the judges away.

Overall, I'm so frustrated and disappointed that I couldn't bring myself to watch this week's Untucked.

Anyway! Congrats on my baby Naomi!! So proud of her and happy for her. Her look was great! And the scarecrow theme fit her so well.
Current Mood: frustrated
08 April 2016 @ 04:54 pm
... That title is really too big for the episode! It's one of the reasons why everyone, literally EVERYONE in the audience was severely underwhelmed and disappointed by the runway presentation!

This episode is probably the one I like the least of all the others that have aired. I mean, acting challenges and snatch game are always painful and cringe-worthy to watch, but sometimes the fun, super-cool runway looks make up for it. This time, wow. I mean, yeah. I'm not as mad as Raja about this but very, very underwhelmed for sure.

It's 'Night of 100 Madonnas', but you only have 8 queens, 4 of which wears Kimono and the other 4's looks aren't that interesting either. If the producers want to make this work, get each queen prepare 2 looks of Madonna (there are hundreds to choose from, c'mon), and they are not allowed to overlap the same theme with other queens, deal?? Now that, would be Night of 100 Madonnas. This episode was just meh. The Kimono era Madonna was stunning, but really, we would love to see other looks, MORE ICONIC LOOKS, PLEASE. Also the guest judges were BORING especially Chanel Iman. I don't care who you are or how good you look, this is a drag queen show, I want wits, puns, funny banters!

I think Thorgy should've done Frozen look, because WHY NOT. She can utilize her bun, since the look includes a bun. A silky, flowy black gown/skirt would look amazing on the runway! Add accessories and fake hena (what? people are going to accuse everyone of cultural appropriation now?), and it would look great! Pale make-up and long black hair. I could see it! I know Thorgy prefers colorful clown-ish looks but yea, why not.

Here's hoping next episode would be more interesting than this one.
Current Mood: apathetic
30 March 2016 @ 08:03 pm
I enjoyed this season so much I always end up wanting MORE. Why are the episodes so short? Why are the runways so rushed? Why can't we get to know more of the queens, why why why. I really don't mind watching longer Untuckeds. Or the main episodes.

Yesterday, I went home feeling really down about my work. I have disliked my job for a while now, and every time something bad happens at work it just triggers me to hate EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE. I don't know if I could last any longer. My point is, my boss totally ruined my Drag Race Day Mood! Oh how I hate him :) I went home and turned on Drag Race, and immediately hooked. This show makes me laugh, makes me so happy and just lifts my mood no matter how bad the day was.

I need to watch it repeatedly to be able to talk about the whole thing but overall this episode was cute. The New York girls love/hate relationship was cute, the easily distracted child Thorgy Thor was cute, even the way Acid Betty warms up to everyone in Untucked was cute! Everything was cute and warm! I love Chi Chi's mom's message and how all the girls know that her mom was the only one supporting her back home, I love how Naysha gave Chi Chi some of her outfits, I love Michelle's speech. I live for neon colors so I love love love the theme. I think Naysha's outfit was gorgeous.

ANYWAY, THORGY. Newfound facts : she's a lefty! She's a perfectionist! She's neurotic about music presentation because of her background! I LOVE her performance outfit and energy. I'm not crazy about the runway look. I sensed that she's trying to be different because last week Carson mentioned that her look was not the most inventive. I see it as she was trying to break out of her shell by presenting something different, she took a chance but the judges wasn't feeling it. Bob, Betty and Thorgy memorizing the words of the lipsync song was sweet. I seriously want to obsess more but I need to watch it again in good quality and my internet connection is not agreeing with me.
Current Mood: chipper
28 March 2016 @ 08:58 pm
I don't even know where to start! Okay, first of all, before it all starts I was researching on the S8 queens and my initial thoughts were :
1. Bright colors and unusual style? Acid Betty is my girl!
2. Laila McQueen is very pretty and might be the the dark horse of this season (though she wasn't very interesting in the Meet The Queens video)
3. Kim Chi is cute
4. Robbie Turner and Cynthia Lee seem like they're very nice persons

However, after episode 1 :
1. I found Kim Chi super super adorable and lovable
2. I'm in love with Naomi's legs and looks
3. I was not impressed by how Acid Betty disrespects past winners
4. I'm intrigued by Thorgy

After Episode 2 :
1. Kim Chi is super cute!!!
2. Naomi looks super hot!!!
4. This is by far the best performance I've ever seen on Drag Race. I literally could watch Bitch Perfect performance forever. I have been every day since the episode airs, multiple times a day.

After Episode 3 :
I don't even care about the episode anymore. I'm so obsessed with Thorgy I don't know what to do with myself.

This obsession has gotten me to the point where I extract videos frame by frame so that I can analyze them and OBSESS SOME MORE! Obviously Logo kicked me out saying that videos aren't viewable from my location (which is true) but I will find a way!

She is so weird! I fell in love with her style, her laugh, her voice, her attitude, her dreads, her legs and just her EVERYTHING! I've never seen a drag performer sporting long dreads off drag before and that alone really intrigued me. How do you navigate all those hairs when your job requires you to wear wigs most of the time? She plays the violin, like wtf! I mean it's super cool but it's a combination we hardly ever see together, a white dude with white people dreads who looks homeless but actually plays the violin and cello, who is also a drag performer. Wha...? Also! Transformation. Let's admit it, boy Thorgy has a unique face structure. He has a long face, big nose, big chin, big ears, and with hooded eyes! She's so white you can see blemishes and spots on her face. I don't do make-up but it seems like a challenging canvas to work on, unlike those fishy queens who already look like a girl before they even put on any make-up. Yet when he transforms into girl Thorgy, she's so charming, cute, with great body I couldn't stop looking at her! I'm so proud of her make-up revolution, because if you look back on her make-up from years ago, girl, it ain't cute.

I haven't been obsessing over anyone since last time with Lulu/HunHan sometime in 2013, I think. I'm so obsessed I couldn't sleep at night thinking about Thorgy. I stalked everywhere if it means I could see more pics of him/her that I haven't seen before. I was considering to buy a round trip ticket to Los Angeles in May to attend DragCon so that I can meet her! I was fantasizing about dropping everything I have right now, go to NYC and volunteer to be her personal assistant, she doesn't even need to pay me, even if I have to live on the streets! Seriously considering to start a new tumblr blog on Thorgy. Or join the fyeah team. Or something. I even thought of producing her merch here and send them out to her so she can sell something!!! I'm going insane! I want to meet her at one of her shows one day and rub her pregnant belly. What. Sorry I'm very drowsy right now from the lack of sleep last night THINKING OF THORGY.

Can't wait to see my baby on ep 4 tomorrow, woo!
09 March 2016 @ 12:02 am
It finally has started!!!! Yaaaayyy. I really really like how they upscale everything this season. Starting from how they mentioned several times that it's going to include the 100th episode and the 100th queen, how they purposely delay the premier to give chance for the audience to know the queens better and more time for them to promote and hype the season, and more importantly to align the finale episode with this year's RuPaul's Drag Con!!!!!!!!! Exclamation point!!

I was so happy that I was at home by the time the first episode drops, because better internet connection! I don't have to wait to get home to watch!

Let's comment on the queens!

Dax - I like her style. I think her personality is not so loud and that is why we don't see much of her in the interviews of the first episode. But anyway, she's not conventional drag. I love how she brought cosplay element into the competition, but I'm afraid that she's not strong enough to come up with different things later on.

Acid Betty - was my early favorite. I'm attracted to shapes and colors, and I love her aesthetic. I agree that drag has a wide spectrum and not everyone has to look the same. Even though I have to admit, as someone on ontd said, that her face is a little scary. And one more thing, I don't like bitchy queen, so when Kim Chi and Derrick said she's kind of insufferable to travel with in one of the interviews, I was wary of her. I was trying to be ready of her being bitchy the whole show. And one that strikes me from the first episode was when she mentioned that sitting with "these wannabe queens" does not intimidate her a bit. Um, girl, those girls were winners for a reason. They went through judgment and finished the competition that you're in. How could you not be respectful of the queens Ru crowned in the past? I know editing plays a factor in this, but I do think for her to say that purposely on camera is conceited, disrespectful to the past winners, the competition, and Ru herself. Anyway, I she's a seasoned queen who knows what she's doing, we'll see what she'll bring to the table in future episodes (other than bitchiness).

Kim Chi - EVERYONE online was rooting for her and my gut was trying to tell me to distance myself from the mainstream - the one with the more fans. Superfans could get annoying fast and often than not I would hate the persona they idolize as well. Also after I heard that she's from the same house (or whatever) as Trixie Mattel, I rolled my eyes. I'm so over that kind of crazy make-up. HOWEVER. Kim Chi is too sweet! She's super adorable and talented. I fell in love with her since the Meet The Queen video. And in the first episode, she was just as adorable. Love her. I hope she wins and she'll be able to prove to her family that she excels in this and this is what she's born to do.

Thorgy Thor - I like me some Thorgy Thor! I love her. I think her energy is positive and fun, I haven't seen her putting anyone down in a negative way, I think she's smart and I can't wait to see more from her!

Naomi Smalls - I didn't like her, initially. When I saw the Meet The Queen video of hers, I thought she's just another body queen. Also her hair and make-up wasn't good there. After the first episode, I like her! She's gorgeous. I hope she doesn't rely on that body in every episode though. She's very young and I'm sure she'll grow up to be a great queen, fashion or otherwise.

Derrick Barry - This one, I'm super skeptical about. Duh, we all know you're a Britney impersonator, so? I mean she's kinda famous but I hope that doesn't go over her head and makes her feel like she's untouchable. I agree with Bob completely. If you're a good make-up artist, you would be able to not be Britney all the time, no matter how similar your face is with her. The problem is, you've been Britney your whole career and you've never step out of that comfort zone. From her attitude during Untucked, I don't think she'll change that about herself. I'm not even sure if she has wigs that is not blond and not look like Britney. I know Ru mentioned that she wants to see more Britney, and I sense that Derrick's going to hold on to that and use it as an excuse every time. Every. Time.

Robbie Turner - I think I liked her in the Meet The Queen video, but not anymore after the first episode. She's all talk and got nothing to show. 'I forgot to pick a theme for myself'? 'There's nothing I could work on'? 'It was just series of unfortunate events'? That all sound exactly just like what they are : excuses. Girl, you got the opportunity to pick the best theme for yourself and you missed it. You looked just like the dog shit your brought on stage. Your personality just as shitty. Bye.

Cynthia Lee Fountaine - I mean, she never stops talking. I don't like her. She seemed sweet, but I really really had enough of her mentioning her coocoos.

Naysha Lopez - Gurl. Even if you don't know how to sew which is unforgivable, mentioning it as an excuse on stage to the judges was stupid. Don't rely on your face, girl. From what she wears when she walked into the work room for the first time, I'm not sure she has the right taste, either. Bye.

Laila McQueen - Initially, I liked Laila because she looked gorgeous in the promo shoot. But after watching her in Meet The Queen video ooh girl, no personality, no charisma, I feel nothing special coming off of her. I don't think the style is that strong, either. I was pretty sure that she's one of the filler queens, but okay.

Chi Chi Devayne - is also one of the filler queens, I think. She's like the Dida Ritz of the season. The trash bag couture was nagl. Enh.

Bob The Drag Queen - I'm not crazy about her like some people, but I like her. I'm not that annoyed (yet) with her being loud, I like her personality. Make-up wise though, I just don't think she's polished enough. Let's see how she performs!

GOD I can't believe we have to wait another week to get the next episode, we waited for this seson forever! I wished this was like Netflix, where they release the whole season at a time so we can binge watch it. This is torture! But I'm excited to follow these queens' journey through the competition.
Current Mood: bouncy
12 February 2016 @ 01:04 pm
I really need to meditate or something. There has been so much anger in me this week.

First problem, 10th each month is my payday. That's not the problem. The problem is that my business trip allowance which was from freaking December last year, has not yet been transferred to me yet. WTF is this. My whole financial situation is bust because I was waiting for this money since 10th of January. When it wasn't there, I simply thought, oh, they must needed more time to process it or whatever so it must be next month, 10th of February. But NO. God I'm really pissed off now. I asked around to the people in head office, and accounting division said they never received my application which obviously means, no payment. GDI. There's this new person in the head office who didn't understand the flow, and she sent the application back to me instead of submitting it to accounting. Okay. I submitted it just yesterday which means I only will get paid sometime in the next two weeks. SO MUCH ANGER.

Second problem, the fiber optic internet + paytv service at home sucks major ass! Sucks as in, slow, lots of cut-offs, the paytv isn't even working for MONTHS now, THEY BLOCKED NETFLIX, and they raised the price! This is not making any sense. I called to the customer service but as usual they only apologized, giving me complaint number which does nothing at all, with no clear or immediate solution to my problems.

Third problem, I'm about to get a cold, lots of sneezes, my throat is sore and I had headache all day yesterday.

When I get stressed out about things, even if it's not about work, I often came up with the conclusion that I'm not happy here, that I need to move out and start a different life, instead of stuck with a job and place that I dislike.
Current Mood: sore
18 November 2015 @ 10:03 am
And I didn't like it. I mainly went to see it because it's my movie night with my siblings, sometimes they come up with a movie they think we need to watch and then we go to the cinema to see it. I love going out with them since I don't have many chances like that. Especially, yesterday was a family dinner and movie. November 13 was my parents' anniversary and my sister thought it's a good idea to buy them flowers, ask them to dinner and movie. In the end I paid for everything but okay...

Anyway! Spectre. Man, maybe I'm just not a fan of Bond movies. The movie is very beautiful to look at, great cars, exciting cities and locations, but the plot is weak. I feel like they blow up things for the sake of showing how great of an action movie this is, without any significance in the plot.

The first 10 minutes in, I felt like I'm in hell. The story of fighting one person took forever! Also my sister said it's a Bond thing, but what the eff is with that long credit before the movie even started? I kept waiting for a plot to follow but this movie gives me... nothing. I felt nothing towards the characters (except maybe Q because he's cute and geeky), I felt like the sex scenes, the explosions, have not enough reason to happen. Also Lea Seydoux (?) is too young for Daniel Craig. Seriously. He could be her father.

I didn't like it and if there are more Bond movies in the future, maybe I should skip them as well.
Current Mood: awake
18 September 2015 @ 05:03 pm
For the past three weeks, my life has been a living hell. A friend of mine offered a translation job, which I accepted with great joy. I do freelance translation jobs all the time, and this particular friend has given me many opportunities in the past which I am very grateful for.

But turns out this project is TERRIBLE. The work is not only much more difficult than expected, but also very complicated. The agent that gave us this job is asking for progress EVERY.SINGLE.DAY like a debt collector and we only realized later how we are very much underpaid. The workload is simply too much and isn't worth the money. I have a full time job and I still have to work on this after my 9-5. I've been working round the clock with very little to no time to rest and do anything else. I'm so stressed. I told my friend that I'm dropping out because this is too crazy, and she begged me not to. And now I'm trapped in this awful project which is still continuing for a couple of weeks ahead.

This is crazy. The money isn't even that good, I hate this job.
Current Mood: stressed
11 September 2015 @ 11:59 am
I feel like I don't want to work. I'm tired.
I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be trapped in this stupid cubicle for 8 hours every fucking day. I'm sure every single person who had worked a desk job feels the same way for at least once in their cubicle life.

Or maybe I'm just tired. I'm sleep deprived. Maybe I'm just stressed out from this never ending translation project which turned out to be more difficult than I had expected. Maybe I got moody because of the negative emails I read when I just turned on my computer this morning. Possibly the fact that the nicest and most reliable person at Head Quarter who trained me just told me that she's quitting the company by the end of the month caught me off guard.

But maybe ... only because it's Friday and my work motivation on Fridays has always been lower than any other days.

Maybe I just need a vacation.

Or maybe, it is time to depart from here and start a new adventure.
Current Mood: grumpy