taxcha
12 May 2017 @ 06:06 pm
This morning when I woke up I wasn't feeling well. I knew something was wrong, but it wasn't that bad so I thought I was just being whiny because I was sleepy. I thought I still could make it to the office just fine. I went to the station and got on the train. The train was not even that crowded, but that feeling was getting worse, I felt like I was about to get a panic attack, accompanied by a hint of nausea. By the time the train left the 3rd station after mine, it got even worse. My hands were cold, I could feel cold sweat all over my body. I was trying to convince myself that I was going to be okay when I started to see black spots and my vision started to go dark. Wow, I'm going to faint, I thought. All I could think of was that I have to get off at the next station and I wished for the train to arrive there soon. The announcement voice was fading on me but I could feel the train stopping and the doors opening. At that point my vision was almost completely black, I couldn't see anything but I knew I had to get off so I walked with one hand covering my face and one hand stretched to the direction I was walking to like a crazy person. When I thought about it again, I was lucky that I didn't get either of my foot stuck in between the train and the platform, that would be a disaster. Eventually my hand touched a big pillar on the platform and I've never been so grateful about its existence in my life. I stood against the pillar for a couple of seconds waiting to gain strength and for my vision to come back. It came back little by little, and as I saw an empty spot on the platform bench I immediately dragged my body to sit there. I felt cold still, but at least I regained my strength and vision, and I was not about to faint anymore. I was looking around searching for signs of any station staff or an emergency intercom machine just in case, while pondering whether I should go back home, go to the station office to lay down a little bit, or just continue my journey to the office. This reminded me of Tokyo Metro's posters advising passengers who does not feel well to reach for their staff immediately. When I was sure I could stand up straight again I head to a nearby vending machine and got myself a bottle of water. The machine didn't have Ion drink which I thought would help my body be stronger temporarily, but at least I got water. I decided I should lay down a bit so I went up the escalator to find Metro staff, but I saw the railway map on my way up, counted that I only need to endure 5 more stops to reach my workplace and went back to the platform. If this was any other day, I wouldn't think twice to send an email to my superior and excuse myself from work for the day. But there's this thing due on Monday, I promised to go to lunch with the nice ladies at work, plus I had a meeting with HR scheduled at 2 PM. The meeting will determine my fate and the procedure of going back to Indonesia, and as an OCD planner that I am, I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW. The train came. I stood in the crowd near the door, kept my head down, controlled my breathing while repeating positive thoughts in my mind.

I made it to the office although with very little to no motivation to work all day. All I could think of is : I want to take a nap!!! I figured it's that time of the month again : my PMS. It's as they say, it really has gotten so much more awful in your 30s. It has been happening for a while so I anticipated it to come each month. But since it passed my estimated date, I simply thought 'oh, maybe this month it's not going to be as horrible as before'. Man, I was wrong.

It also shows different symptoms each time? Sometimes the joint pain is so unbearable I can't even get myself out of bed, sometimes the headache is worse, but it was never a blackout. This was the first time. But each time there's always cold sweat accompanied by panic attack for knowing something is really wrong. If I'm lucky it happens on weekends so I can just rest, or at least very early in the morning on a weekday so I have enough time to contact the office for a day off. It's the second time I had to get off the train because of these PMS related symptoms/attacks.
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